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1 year and 1 day ago I wrote something on a support forum. I had no idea where it came from, I am a strong woman for sure, but this sounded like it had unending strength to "get er done" and I didn't have that for quitting! I had tried and failed many times from July through to last March, all roads led back to smoking. Social, weekend, less than a pack, more than before - all smoking! In truth I desperately wanted the quit...I just didn't know how not to be a smoker! By the time I got to a board I was depserate, confused, exhausted with trying and failing and assuming, if I'm truthful, that it would all end in dying of smoking eventually! So then when I wrote this I felt like I unearthed some real magic from somewhere I hadn't had access to in myself before: 10pm, March 11 2014: My champix is taken and my quit date set, I have literally tried all other options and this is my last one. However my partner and mother both smoke. My Mum is disabled and has copd so can't actually get outside to smoke. It's not an excuse because I will no longer let it be but I failed previously because there are always going to be cigs around the house, that's not changing for now so I must have a better plan....but if I quit, maybe they will too?? Either way I would appreciate any tips, or things that really helped you if you think it could help me. I want this sooo badly as does my 8 year old daughter, I've gone from 30-40 to around 10 per day since preparing myself but I know the road is tough. So what helped you?? I genuinely want this to be the end and am prepared to go through whatever it takes now. Thank you. x As I waited for the (mixed) responses to come in I lit my last cigarette that I will ever smoke. Answers ranged from "suck it up buttercup" (gee thanks), to "you got this" (do they even know how many failures I have, well no) to "just jump". That last gem stuck with me, I mean there's a nike ad saying just do it isn't there. What would happen if I just jumped!! It's not really me, I am a planner. I was already on champix, had tried patches, mega allergies and fights to get the champix yada yada...I'm a planner :) So what could actually go wrong if I jumped? Now I was really thinking, what about if I jumped and just here on the forum gave people the real me, the stories as they unfolded, utterly unheard of.. I am the queen of repression and hide everything so I look strong, so this was all new. But it felt like the whole journey had to be real and that for the first time, I would let people help me and not be so independent. I tried to light a "final farewell cigarette" the next morning, and couldn't do it. I put it out and mentally dug in. So I started a really crazy journey. I took a bit from here and a bit from there. Quitting is a journey, not an event. SNOT, grimness, but means smoking is not on the table...if it's not what can I do instead, I spent a lot of time smoking. NOPE not one puff ever...oh thank gods, someone added just for today in little words, forever was far too huge for me, I was struggling minute by minute! No one is more addicted, we are all addicts - no likey! I am not an addict I am a very strong woman...oh, will ya look at that, seems I'm an addict...and then the acceptance, brutal as it was. I visualized a smoke free me, I chanted, I switched from foot to foot shouting nope...I was an all fired nut job haha...but I was a non smoking nutter, so all good. Whyquit imagine if I was one of those who died young, I imagined telling my kids. I read horror stories and sobbed, I got really friggin real about what I was doing to myself and what a selfish tit I'd been. Then came the deeper understandings. I cried the day I realized I would never have "just one" again. It felt like a grieving moment. I knew it was sick, but it was hard for me. I hated the cravings/triggers, how very dare they try and come for me, I raged, I cried (A LOT) and one godawful night in April some precious folk talked me down off the most horrible emotional ledge, I still cry if I read my own SOS from back then. I felt like I literally was in battle with myself. In hindsight, I made it much harder for myself than it needed to be. Once I understood that, that I was already a non smoker, there was no fight, there was just day to day (really thank you Stu) then it got easier. As I stopped being scared I wasn't medicating my emotions with nicotine or repression and allowed myself to feel them and not be afraid to go through them, I got stronger. I let the most wonderful man ever talk to me like I was worthwhile as a person, not just the strong one who copes and felt validity in all I felt. I am honest in saying he saved my life, I know some of my strength was borrowed. So then, if I was now real, and free then I needed to test it, so I added exercise and loved that too! I still like burgers far too much but all healthy is too much for now lol. I had the money to holiday and extend my skills for a potential spiritual business. But more than that, I started to believe if I wanted it and worked at it, I could actually achieve anything, well maybe apart from being an astronaut, that ship sailed I guess but mostly anything else. As I stopped being fake and strong for everyone the fight back around me was immense. As numbers of people tried to "put the lid back on the box" but it was too late. I was proud of who I was and what I had done in my life, but also confident that I was worthwhile and carried a value that few around me had ever given. Some stood with me, some dissapeared and some fought. I still fight but I carry strength and support from a powerful journey. So I do say, if you do the journey the hard way, there's still value in it and all roads lead to rome. So 1 heartwrenching SOS and 2 serious wobbles where thoughts of my buddy carried me through, I had given my word and I never break a promise. From desperate worries about whether I was even a likable if my own mother was so crazy mean to me were met with adoption from Nancy via chat. A throwaway support line made me stand back up and re commit to my journey. All the way through this board people have been throwing me a rope and helping me, mostly never knowing how much and I can only aspire to be half as lovely and supportive as some here. Wow, feeling chatty I guess! So my advice is trust and post. Believe and visualize yourself in the place you want to be and then backtrack back to one day, one moment at a time and let your sheer strength of self belief start to grow. It's about being the person you were always meant to be as much as it's about not being a smoker anymore and maybe trust in a little magic because it's everywhere. Magic in the deep breaths I can take, and the stamina I now carry. The strength of will and the gentle support I will offer as others did to me. I will always carry with me the eureka moment of a post by Markus though, no quitter is stronger than another. It's the vigilant quit that survives. This makes sense, the person who is aware of all their addictions and has learnt what that means will keep themselves alert to potential danger times. More than that look the addiction square in the eye and batter it down... Marti, 1 - Addiction, shush now your got nothing that can make me give up this freedom!!

I don't much like my Mum. I feel bad saying that but I don't. She mistreated me in the form of emotional manipulation and bullying, for years, but worse the last year and I am done with her. Toxic as it is, she lives with me waiting to be housed by the coucil/authorities and I am her primary carer as she is disabled. It's one of those situations you look on and shake your head for the poor unfortunates involved. Move backwards 15 years. I was quit. It had been 364 days when my then fiance announced we weren't happy were we? I said no, that lazy bugger never lifted a finger round the house, we had only moved in together in the dec, now it was the march 6 months off our wedding...things needed changing for sure! He called everything off! I had meant he should hoover or something.... I smoked, a lot...intending to quit the next day, after the weekend, the next week...roll on 14 years.... Yesterday, 3 sleeps till a year...a frikkin year, beating the previous marti record of 364...not even a tremor of wanting to smoke. Oh yeah, some dumb thoughts, but I think dumb stuff all the time and I don't follow all of it through! (some, shhhhh) I literally can't descrbe the terror at seeing your yes disabled but very pushy, mouthy mother completely lose her faculties. No body functions, no ability to talk or answer, shuddering and shaking...having been seen not 3 hours before she goes to sleep bad and wakes up terrifying! I'm trying to keep the kids in the lounge, speak to the docs on the sly, then call an ambulance and deal with their questions and keep my babies seperate but of course they see some and I can't hide all my emotions...I have another spiritual daughter who can read emotions much like me. So we're all scared from my mum to me to milly...bella at 5 wonders why she can't say goodnight to nan. For the first time ever my mum goes in an ambulance to hospital alone. I can't go with her but that makes me feel relieved, I'm so ashamed, I didn't want to go, I really don't want her to be ill but I desperately want some space from her. My sisters are abroad or busy, it's now 363 days quit, I keep getting stuck pretending to be ok in hospital to support a woman I have zero respect for and want free from .... Screw this, I'm going to have a wine or 2 but I almost knew there would be something! I don't know how but I anticipated this test and kept re-assuring myself it was based on previous experience. This sucks donkey balls, but I know that I haven't felt this for months and it's just a trigger.... and I love boats! But what a crappy week for this.

So very proud of you, Marti...and we are ready for the big party! (((Marti)))`

Thanks for the update, Marti. I'm so proud of you that you managed to hold it together and keep your quit during a very upsetting episode. I'm also glad that your mother is going to recover. Life is a pisser sometimes, isn't it? But for your sake and especially for your daughters' sakes, quitting smoking is THE most important thing! Good for you!