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I am weirded out by all the smoking dreams. Awake I know I'm not at risk...if only my subconscious would catch up!! Posted and asked for if others felt it. Awake, I am feeling stronger. Like the quit is strengthening me. I will celebrate my 1 year this time and I will stay quit, because it is different now. I don't actually want to be a smoker, so the other option is non smoker isn't it. Simple really. Would I smoke if the end of the world was nigh. No, I'd have people to be with and be too busy to waste the time. If I was terminal. No, I would want to feel as well as I could - I felt lousy as a smoker, no breath, no energy, lousy. I smile now because there isn't a situation that could make me want to smoke anymore. It wasn't always so. I was the epitomy of fake it till you make it. Still no idea on a treat. Maybe I'll save for a holiday I will actually enjoy this time. With the right people.

Till one year. Going to bring myself back up now. Can't be sad for long...got a treat to plan no idea what still? As I come towards this mark in time I can't help but remember where I was a year ago today. With 12 days till the quit I had already tried patches and been allergic, so by now a year ago I was taking champix, desperate for that "moment" when I knew I could quit. It made me feel so sick, the dreams were mental, I felt like I was beginning to suffer some depression...I knew I would follow it through waiting for that elusive quit...it must be somewhere right. I had done a healing course, I knew it was time. I just honestly had no idea how it actually worked...how did one simply not smoke again? I'd been relapsing since the previous July, quit, fail, quit smoke. It had been a joke. What made the difference 11 days on is finding a tribe to support me. The strange thing is I went in hard with the supporting others, day 2, I gave every sad story to help others and knew I'd found my feet in a quit and my place in a support circle. Probably the first time if I'm honest, that I'd ever actually allowed anybody to support me. I am massively independant and self sufficient. It felt odd to be so confused and weak but good to know others would hold me up when I needed and virtual hi five every ok day and celebration. It's why the celebrations are so big to me. So 12 sleeps to go until my 1 year celebration.

13 sleeps till one year. So massively overwhelmed I have no plans at all. The nearest weekend will be mothers day (laughable) and my fella Chris's birthday. It's what you get for quitting near his birthday I guess lol. I should say, it isn't all bad. Even when life is doing it's thang, I don't want to smoke. I do feel that I should celebrate though, it's been something I've done all the way through and it feels wrong to not do it now. I wonder what others did? Anyone? I have been thinking. To experience true joy (nb, chronic overthinker starts here), you need to have experienced the depths of despair...I likened it to smoker and non smoker earlier without even meaning to. Only an ex smoker, could fully comprehend the quit process. I really really did not want to smoke anymore, in honesty with almost every cigarette towards the end I was wondering why I was doing...while also believing it was impossible to quit, that some of us were more detined to be addicted. So almost a year...what to do. And much love to my crew, you are my rocks at times without even knowing it. Here I am safe to be me, have a giggle and generally be ok...and stay quit :) 13 sleeps.