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About hesteralumni23

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  • Quit Date
    July 3

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  1. i smoked my four a day for another week and then I got bored with smoking and stopped feeling the heart thumping crave or sweet pleasure of feeding it. It was just smoke in smoke out. i wasn’t into it and then my girlfriend caught me holding my pack and said she couldn’t be with a SMOKER and it wasn’t worth it for me to keep doing something I wasn’t enjoying once I had rebuilt my nicotine tolerance i overate mad for a week and then got my diet under control i haven’t smoked since September , but I dunno what it means because I’m only stopping for someone el
  2. Really appreciate everyone's bluntness. I know I'm addicted, but my smoker friends insisted I was t and I wanted to hear it from people who aren't in denial about addiction. I don't want to be in denial either about who and what I am thanks. It's really kind of everyone
  3. All my smoker friends tell me that four cigs a day is basically a quit. I dunno, though. I feel like an addict. I've been sneaking out of bed at 11 pm to wander the streets and smoke two cigarettes. In the morning, I wake up at 6 am, race outside and smoke two cigs. Don't smoke again until 11 pm. I need to stop because it's messing up my sleeping patterns and I'm becoming a mess at work and a zombie at home. But my friends insist that this isn't an addiction at four cigs daily. Even when I point out I have been smoking since I was 13 and am smoking at 24, they say it's not addiction.
  4. Im sorry. I need to get off this board, I totally don’t belong here and i am scared that describing what im going through and what ive decided will throw you guys off your own journeys. but thank you to everyone for your support. ill come back if its right for me but its not right for me right now I love you all soooo much and im going into therapy for my childhood shit and going to be okay on that
  5. im sorry, but I have to use my own words right now for what im going through. I just don’t relate to the words some of you prefer and i dont think they're true for me. if my addiction doesnt resemble your addiction, i dont have to make it the same as yours. my addiction manifests as a separate personality. i experience something i call The Haze. and ive seen lots of people in this community use "relapse." im not going to follow the word police here because i dont want to lie to myself and say that smoking is over for me. i am a smoker. i have been a smoker since i was 13. i have never quit smo
  6. i knowwwwww. im trying to look on the bright side. my disease is trying to dig up whatever it can to get me to keep smoking and the best it can do is use what are probably inaccurate memories of a girl from 10 years ago i went out to the park just now to smoke because its usually empty and no one has to see me doing something im ashamed of, but it was filled with parents and babies and little kids and i didnt want anyone to see me smoke, so i was in the bushes feeding my habit. then when i was walking home, i saw these girls under a bridge with a crack pipe. i climbed down to them
  7. uhm. im sorry everyone. i went out to throw out my pack of 10 cigs, but then i started hearing kylie in my head and i went into The HAze. kylies voice was saying to me: you are a smoker, girlfriend. you just go for longer periods than most people between packs, so its not like youre turning your back on quitting b/c you never quit in the first place. you might as well enjoy and its not like you smoke that much anyway and don't you want to look older and cooler by smoking a cigarette? i got really dizzy and disoriented and smoked two cigs and didnt throw out the pack. im sorry. i know that's th
  8. I've decided to end my relapse earlier then usual and throw out my pack and the 10 cigs still inside. ughh. this has to be the end
  9. thank you, d28b8. I definitely got triggered bad this weekend over something small. (it's always small) my girlfriend and I had plans but she got swept up in her sister urgently needing computer help to start a new job search and we didn't have much time together and I said I understood and it was fine. I don't think it was fine because I went into a sad haze and day dreamily walked to a tobacconist and bought a pack and started smoking again. except I now see I never actually stopped smoking at all and have been a smoker for 10 years -- just with longer periods between packs than most smokers
  10. sorry, i dpnt understand. how does an exercise junkie think? i understand The Haze now. i think Boo really nailed it. The Haze it is my disease controlling me and catching me off guard because i think i am not a smoker anymore and thinking htat makes me vulnerable to my addiction. it takes control of me and is taking away my choice to be done with smoking. it is using my memories of sex and romance and love and closeness and socializing to get me to poison myself
  11. its hard to make quitting drugs my priority #1 when i haven't gotten high or drunk since i was 15 and the only bad thing ive been doing to my body for the last eight years is smoke 80 cigarettes a year? i dont think my teenage drug addiction is a factor except to say i gave up a LOT of bad habits very quickly and before i even finished high school. so it feels kind of ridiculous that i have been unable to stop smoking cigs even with long periods of being smoke free. this board helped me realize that being smoke free for awhile did not free me from smoking and i was still a smoker,
  12. thanks everyone for all your kind advice. i think my problem is i never REALLY quit smoking and drugs. i just quit the people. ellie broke up with me because she didn't want a cokehead/tweaker gf around her family and her baby brother. i didnt want to be someone who could only be friends with other addicts. i didnt want people to ashamed of me. when ellie was gone, i realized the only people around me were people who made me feel okay to feed my bad habits. and it was all about getting high. the people were just filler for the drugs. getting away from the people and throwing out my
  13. well i know why i jumped into coke and meth. its why i started smoking too. it felt like being part of a secret club of smokers and potheads and cokeheads and tweakers and gay girls. i know htats so stupid, being gay and getting into deadly and addictive drugs arent the same thing, but at 14, i thought they were. at 15, though, i saw drugs make me lose my first gf and stoped associating getting high with being gay also, its easy to stay away from coke and meth when i dont know where to get them anymore. and its easy to stay away from weed b/c i can't go to school or work high if i
  14. every 3 - 4 months, i buy a pack of cigs, smoke like a few a day, get sick of it after 3 - 4 days and throw out the pack. i feel like a stupid, disgusting girl. why cant i quit? im 23 and i was smart and strong enough to decide to quit when i was 15. but im still dumb enough to associate smoking with sex and romance and its soooo idiotic. could use some helping words i started when i was 13 on a roadtrip with some older friends to a trek con. we were all antis and thought smoking was gross, something stupid creepy dudes did. then i saw this girl at at the convention outside, probab

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