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20 April ... over 40 days FREE

By darcy

· 2213 views

Been a long week since I touched base here.   Still on the train. 

Had a few times where I almost (purse in hand and headed for the car) went to buy cigarettes, ended up doing something different. 

        Turns out I seem to be an awful bitch...didn't realize how often I used a cigarette to stop myself from speaking.  lol, or cry.   Course, I am used to being of service to my community and working some, so perhaps (I hope) the bitchiness isn't entirely the real me under the addiction.... and may be related to the changes the world is going through.  Still, like to think I'd show up as a kinder, wiser, more giving human.  nope....in all ways.

 

        Been away from the boards due to my pessimistic bent.   The QT is a wonderful place for support and commitment....an a poor place for powerlessness and commitment ambiguity.

 

Excited about spring and gardening. Got to drive the tractor (maybe the 2nd time I have driven one) to go get the mulch for the flower beds.  Fun riding up high in the spring sun.   Even more fun mulching with the tractor bucket....talk about easy!   Killed my tomato sprouts by putting them out too long in the spring air.   Live and learn.     I hope.

 

                                                                            I am uncertain about my quit.  There continues to be the feeling that it is temporary.  Junkie thoughts, yes I hear them.

 

                             It has been true that I am committed to little in this world and may lack some inherent ability, desire or just plain          integrity          to truly be dedicated to anything, least of all myself and loving myself. 

 

I just keep hearing these doubts circling...sometimes very vaguely, other times 'get the keys we're going cuz you know you smoke'. 

 

I recently went through several nights of horrible dreams related to past painful events, awakening scared, heart hammering, angry and crying. 

Still FREE today.  For that I am grateful.

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                         giphy.gif        dancing in the dark

    • Like 3

    4 Comments

    Recommended Comments

    Grand Master

    jillar

    Moderators

    Hang in there Darcy, what you're going through is still totally normal at your stage of quitting. 

    "The QT is a wonderful place for support and commitment....an a poor place for powerlessness and commitment ambiguity."

    Lots of people feel like you but the qt is the best place for you to be when you're feeling like that. Check out our social forums, there's a lot of fun posts there. Our games thread is another fun one. The idea is to get you in a better frame of mind and take it off of cigarettes. Give it a try and congrats on your killer quit 😊

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    • Like 1
    Newbie

    forestgreen

    Members

    Its early days yet Darcy, one thing I learned was 'before I go to sleep' think of one thing you feel happy about during your day, this will help you to keep your mood lighter and brighter for the next day. Of course you can do it during the day too if you want.  Happy dancing.

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    Enthusiast

    Sazerac

    Members

    Darcy, so much of your fear is just addiction.  You will find the new you, the one who can deal with her feelings without shrouding herself behind the smoke.

    Be kind to yourself during the transitions and remember to continue to reward yourself for every crave conquered, every trigger resolved.

    You are doing magnificent work and I so appreciate this blog documenting how you build a sturdy and successful quit.

    S

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    Collaborator

    Mee

    Members

    Oh Darcy, I was a bitch too when I was quitting.  My husband loved me anyway and I was proud I was a non-smoking bitch.  Use that bitchiness to overcome the addiction!  Don't let those negative thoughts take over.  Concentrate on the positive.  I love gardening and working in the yard too.  Use that to keep yourself busy.  Stay close.  We want to pick you up and cheer you along the way.  We have been where you are.

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