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Marti's Blog

A blog by Still winning in General

  • Entries

    68

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    58894

Entries in this blog

Who am I?

Markus Quote: And so you too will become exactly what you seek if you so choose it. You will lose yourself as you are, and become who you were meant to be, a free person. But, it comes at a price, and we have all had to pay it. You have to leave yourself behind to find yourself anew.   Thank you for the mention of change. Sometimes I doubted it, with all the talk of the same person. For me, no, I am not the same.   Possibly, it's the jet lag, or the OCD of machinery breaking, it's certainly

What's going on?

It's all a bit hairy in the wonderful world at the moment. At the risk of "engaging my weird", I know the energy is off kilter at the moment and everyone's feeling pretty insecure, I guess I'm no exception.   Quitting: Well that's two who have fallen off that I have cried real hard tears for. I panicked, what if that was me later?? My advice upon more tears from my fella was "you really must stop getting SO involved with everybody". My quit buddy's advice was I'm an "unhinged psycho and my qu

What a year!!

1 year and 1 day ago I wrote something on a support forum. I had no idea where it came from, I am a strong woman for sure, but this sounded like it had unending strength to "get er done" and I didn't have that for quitting! I had tried and failed many times from July through to last March, all roads led back to smoking. Social, weekend, less than a pack, more than before - all smoking! In truth I desperately wanted the quit...I just didn't know how not to be a smoker! By the time I got to a boar

Weebles wobble but they don't fall down..

I want to be all light and airy and supportive on this board. But I don't have that in me right now. Right now real life is not playing ball, or maybe I really am nuts and causing drama in my own life. I can't face anymore arguing, even if I say I don't want to talk, I can't seem to shut my mother up at the moment. She is sniping and shouting and carrying on like quite frankly a child...although that's insulting to kids, cause my kids behave better! Her non quit is doing my frikkin head in, I'd

Wallow time completed.

Not my style, not my way but I think I just done wallowed the last two weeks of my life away? Sad, unhappy, over thinking, questioning myself, my life, my parenting - but not my quit. I love that bit by the way, even when life feels like it utterly sucks balls for no apparent reason my quit is still in the "oh yeah, doin it" section. August was the most abhorent, scary emotional month I have seen in some time. I am utterly jaded but re grouping.   I am brutalized I was too unwell to complete

Twas the night before 11 months...

I haven't planned a treat!! I did a big celebrational thing for 10,000 not smoked recently but this month feels anti climatic. In a good way I suppose, the quit is a done deal like I said...the cravings are gone...I have a thought and think nah, and carry on with my life.   I am lovin the newbies though. They don't post so much though hey, I think that's kinda sad. I remember with fondness some totally pointless and random posts I put in social when I should have just posted please tell me I

Time standing still?

I know it's not possible of course but it all feels a bit samey at the moment, it feels like time isn't really passing. I just put in June celebrations to the calender, or started too. Put in it will be 3 months for me next month and thought "Jeez, is that all"! I guess this can be taken in a good way. I look at the progress I've made, the limited triggers I now get and that's at 2 months and some but it feels weird and out of whack, like it should be longer, not sure why.   I also look ho

Thought associations

They are not triggers, nor craves. My quit is secure and my resolve is strong, or at least I believe it is.   However, there are some strange thought associations going on for me. Two of my "quit reasons" were a reiki course and a florida holiday. The holiday is 5 days away and paid for now, my practioner level reiki course was today. My "reasons" to quit are finished and yet not finished and in honesty it's an odd feeling.   Life has been throwing some stressors of late, maybe it's that? It

The journey only continued for some...

I've umm'ed and ahh'ed about writing another blog entry, I don't like to be rushed I guess. I thought I was in  a new year and heading for my 4th year quit but on perusing the site, transpires I'm heading for my 5th lol. Smoking is an enigma to me now but those who knew my habit 2+ packs a day for years can't believe I have stayed quit *cough, this site* and new friends can't imagine me as a smoker! The latter is a compliment for sure.   However when I quit it was with two others. My M

The exercise plan continues

I have found some nice chirpy lady on fitness tv who does yoga and says ass a lot. She's pretty real, I like her honesty, yes thank you my lovely, if I am working I want it to count, especially in the region you propose needs fixing. I'm not beyond asking for assistance and believe you when you say this will work. So Monday mornings are sorted.   Having eliminated belly dancing, walking, running, bike riding and sex for various reasons, I have today discovered beach body. I mean I don't have a

The continuation of the journey

It's all about choice. We can create the drama, or not. Create the fear, or not. It really is very simple. As simple as stepping into the life we want and not being chained to the past. The rains may fall and the droughts may happen but we simply move forward step by step when it feels too hard to run. Accept support when it is offered, accept gratitude for what you have and what you have accomplished without ego. Some will travel with you on different parts of the journey but don't be afrai

Strength from the quit, or quit from the strength...

Sometimes, we go through things. There is always a reason in my humble opinion.   Every time I hit a milestone, or another 1,000 cigarettes not smoked, I celebrate. No matter what is going on, no matter how I am financially. The reason for this is simple, I believe this freedom was hard fought for. I have often given thanks to friends here, newer and older quits for helping me find my path to finally make this attempt stick. I have had major wobbles, even an SOS back in April and untold swear

Smoking dreams

Normally in my dream I say no to smoking. Last night I didn't see me smoke it but I put one smoked all the way through out in an ashtray for my sister to say at that point, hey I thought you gave up. I looked at her and looked at the fag butt and started crying as I hadn't meant to smoke.... woke myself up actually crying.   Our brains are crazy things and I did calm when I realized it wasn't real.   Intense way of reminding myself I do not want to be a smoker and relapse would devastate

Singing and smoking list

When I gave up somewhere I got the idea to write a list of why I didn't want to do the smoking thing anymore. I added more and more of course, as we quit new benefits and logics come to you. Anyway, orginal list:   -Broke my word to Milly TWICE saying I would quit and didn't -I want to sing along to my songs I like -My cough -Mums health scares me -Want to go out sometimes (money) -Can't afford clothes and shoes which I need. -Florida trip, going nowhere! -£300 a month?!? -Outside smok

Silly and selfish

I don't even know where I am - around 6 weeks quit? Anyway my quit is secure, I am solidly behind the I don't want to smoke.   So why do I still wobble emotionally?? I am gutted that two people I cared for fell off the wagon, it's so not my business!! I am gutted my mum keeps cheating, it's not my business!! When did I turn into a busybody?? It's laughable, it is the opposite of who I am. These emotions are "not me", I stay calm and in control. I look after everyone and cope...but wow, some da

Romance is dead...

I am the woman who is always in control. Always leading the charge and I can battle some. Offensive, not defensive. So the romance thoughts always surprise me a little.   What I refer to as my smoking thoughts, have ramped up a little of late. Now that's ok, cause they are pretty small for the most part considering how long, how much and often I smoked, I think I'm pretty lucky overall. My calmer reactions of god I'm surrounded by divs, huff...have been replaced by needing to get away and re

post from 3rd feb on 10K almost not smoked

Tonight won't be "the night" but as close as I can get without kids I think!! 10,000 cigarettes is close. That's utterly mental. 10,000!! I honestly doubted whether "I" could quit. I mean I really thought I was one of those lifers... people told me I was that smoker. Everyone was stunned when I quit. No massive surprise, I could do 2 or 3 packets per day, depending on home or out. My biggest surprise is that I feel good to have it done now. Yes I asked the "how long will I feel like this

Obsessing and fitness

I have quit now some amount over 7 weeks, how funny, I no longer really remember, I just know it's that long as I had to count a while ago to post a question. I like this board and it's support so I will continue to use it and pay it forwards too but I think somehow I subbed smoking for posting? Bit more balance required is all i think.   I have added exercise this week and must admit it feels quite good. Wish I had of listened and done this earlier. You don't crave at all when you are actuall

No wonder!

I'm up and down like a yoyo. The energy is off the scale and I've been to caught up to even look what's going on. You know the problem with quitting smoking...you think everything is about not smoking!! How frikkin annoying that my life has been entering a place that feels much like the toilet, when part of whatI do is understanding how energy influences us - and I missed it. Utter divvy!   First time I've written on my web page since I quit :) I may be more emotional minus cigs but I cont

New life 14 months "ish"

I love to write, it is one of my passions and sometimes, it get's the mental neurons firing and course correcting. That's why there is power on these boards because as we help someone else up, or write down a ton of confusing feelings, or acknowledge that today is hard but yesterday was good, we start to straighten out our thought processes.   Because some of you know but others don't, my life was somewhat complicated 14/15 months ago when I quit smoking. I had many pressures and few answers a

nearly 8 months

The time span amazes me. I don't think they know me, I can't quit?!   However, my ticker would disagree. You see, I have almost 8 months and a holiday with the funds under my belt! It's proper weird to me!   Let me say this. If I commit to it, it will happen. That's how I smoked for so many years. Also how I choose not to smoke now. Still, my mum has the holiday trigger, I get it but nope. I think they smoke in more places here then at home but nope!   I knew I would have holiday trigge

Nearly 2 months

My emotions are still up and down like a yo yo. I have smoked since I was 13 years old. My first cigarette was age 9! I am now 38, never in all my adult years have I "coped" as a non smoker. I did quit for 364 days, but I was massively protected in that time and the first real drama, I smoked again. So I will forgive myself that sometimes I don't know how to/who to be?   I feel like a child sometimes! I am now learning how to deal with my emotions. Ironically, I am teaching my 8 and 4 year ol

My mum has a 1 month quit

She forgot the date, she has done none of what I did or had any support - just cracked on after 50 odd years and didn't smoke. She's been quitting forever, far longer than I was trying for.   She is still cranky as all hell but she is also feeling unwell. The quit was prompted by a heart scare which can now add to the copd as a lifelong condition, caused by smoking and it was the trigger she needed to just stop there and then. She used a patch for 2 weeks then ditched that too.   We bitch a

My Mum finally quit!!

Ok, so it took an admission through A&E and two ambulance calls, a cist on the kidney and a damaged and over beating heart whilst literally filling up with fluid at 66 years old.... (and breath) ....but she quit.   She will never read this cause "forums aren't her thing, all those do gooders patting each other on the back" apparently?! But still a one week, bootstrap quit. Just cracked on, some whinging but too scared to smoke anymore.   I am still worried but sooo relieved she is at l

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