Evelyn

Saz, there is no Evelyn. Together is Evelyn

We'll quit. We will come back. This isn't the endscore. Just one station of many. And I promise WE will come back, but more united so 'I' succeed with a sticky quit instead of falling of the train every week. Regrouping ;)

Didn't like the picture

I'm done. Playing nice, ignorant, and friendly. The last relapses were a results of depression and FYI I have Dissociative Identity Disorder; which if I trnaslate it I was so sever ortered and abused as a child I split yp in 40 multiple personalities. Whenever I showed a sign of my pain, I got ignorant replies 'don't stay in the past.' Hell, you think you know pain, grief, loss, attachment disorder. I have a chronical disorder in the integration of EVERYTHING: memories, senses, identity, I cannot iintegrate a single fracture because it is all fractured. No, my personalities are not evil. My father was evil. But WE still do hard work and therapy and internal communication EVERYDAY, to integrate small things of a daily life. I've done or well WE have done, how many where it the last half year? 5 suicide attemtps, one almost succeeding hanging, other ones getting me in the ICU for 24 hours. I did get other medication and am depression free. But I haven't truste anyone in a year, the Last year we've heard the old song 10 months long from psych-social-workers where we lived 'you are not worth it'. We finally are at a point we say we are worth it. WE fight together to stabalise and become a team, as we were before. There's no 'one ruler, Evelyns in charge'. No there's a whole daily life team working ar ass off to not drink, not slip back to sui or cutting. You say I am strong? Yes bloody we are. But I really thought I'd die a few months ago. I smoke. WE smoke. It's the choice to make when other option are not optional. Some where on my facebook, last winter, or for months and never replied. You say you care? Hell, you think you can walk a mile in my shoes? Try a day in my head and you jump in front of a train. Beacon, asked why I left. THIS is WHY! I tried to tell before. I am not strong enough NOW. It's not on the top 1 right now. I've got 3 parts from an even more traumatised layer who seek help now with the daily team which sucks up energy, they can't go back hiding but missed 2 years of therapy no, actually since 2006. So I hear 'I wanna die. I'm gonna cut! I'm scared. It's not safe. I'm afraid of daddy...' because they don't realise it's 2016 and it takes time and prctice to help yourself stay grounded in the here and now. So I have a f*cking bad day, and I want to make one thing clear. I am a fighter, we are. But I need to help them first. I NEED to help ME first; it's ALL ME. But don't you dare say it's a bloody excuse. It's choosing bewteen 3 addictions; drinking - smoking - cutting... or the final suicide, which I do no longer consider. I've tried to quit and relapsed a dozen times last 2 motnhs. NOW you all now why. Because I lost time, someone inside quit, then another light a cigarette, then someone started drinking. So I am thankfull for that stupid smoke that is, for now, the safest and less destructional solution. Oh and if you wanna reply, first look up 'Dissociatie Identity Disorder' because judging is frigging easy. Leaving the past alone? I was smashed into pieces while my past happened. And outside it's peace and over. But inside the time is frozen, so parts get stuck and then front, can't go back and relive the litterally past over and over. And its like throwing a tree in a river, you can't stop it then. You are on the move, forwards yes... but with bumps and waves. Anyone any questions? Go ahead. Oh MQ, go ahead and ban me if you think I break any rules. PS. To ignorant or rude comments you can expect the same back. I'm done playing fairy dust angel.

NOPE

NOPE

NOPE

Hmmm funny how i get the silent treatment. Which I unerstand btw. I have to prove it first

....sometimes you need to get your mind right and I did. WOW FREEDOM

NOPE

I do!!!

Babs, that was one awesome post :)

I've been horsebackriding in my teens. I can sta on it if it jumps up and down :P so don't worry :D

To all members... I guess you're all tired of me. You probably sigh, oh, her again. I don't care. I had a heck of a year and am standing firm and WILL friggin celebrate every first weeks and months. I am succesful, proud at who I am now, a non smoker and idk if you care but I do

Read it :)

If you think I'm a 'quiter' well gues what I'm a fighter and I can no I DO this right now!

I know you people doubt I mean it this time, I am solid.

It really, is!!!

Oh, don't worry I rely on myself, I AM doing this. I am worth THIS I am Alive.

I am so friggin proud of myself. Fought some battles, mindset right, stabalised and damn proud of it

NOT ONE PUFF EVER. blegh

Had to struggle and lay an egg, I am back baby, for always. Whohohohho

Neither for me NOPE

Did you know why I know you are friends...? You're honest I appreciate it. That is what I need, exactly

I know. It has to be me. I must do this. I am not asking you to quit for me... But to believe me when I say I commit. I DO commit. Period.