OregonGirl

I started smoking at age 47! Stupid. I'm 49 now. My parents both smoked when I was a kid, quit when I was around 16. As an adult I never smoked cigarettes, although a few years ago my partner and I would sometimes enjoy a cigar. It wasn't ever anything I craved, or did often (one or two a month). My Mom died of lung cancer 4 years ago -- many years after she quit smoking. (I know not all lung cancer is not smoking related.) Then I started dating someone who smoked cloves (Djarum Blacks). First I'd just have a few on the one or two nights we'd see one another. Always his. Then I would have some when we went out and others were smoking. Then I bought my own and would smoke one when we were on the phone. And then... Fast forward to now, and when left to my own devices I will smoke at least a pack a day. I've been known to smoke two. I know these are worse than regular cigarettes (more nicotine, tar, other elements). And when I look at HOW MUCH TIME I spend doing this, it's ridiculous. I sit and flip through Facebook or TikToc for HOURS while I smoke, often just chain smoking when by myself. This is not the life I want. What am I doing to myself, and why!? My god. The odd thing is... I can go a day without and not feel bad. I can go a few days without if we are traveling and I'm around non smokers. I don't sneak out, I don't obsess about having one... and at home if I can distract myself, I can do without. Until I can't. And then it's one after the other after the other... God, I wish I'd never bought that first pack of my own. I wish I had one or two a weekend and it wasn't a thing. I've got to stop. And I'm terrified I can't.