13 April

It has been over a month of FREEDOM.          I am grateful for the quit.       Been pondering commitment and lack of it.          Been pondering the ways I have hidden. 

                                 Been less than pondering the many ways I have healed and moved forward, co-created incredible things and journeyed with some incredible souls.   Be useful to spend some time pondering those things.

Giant thank you to:

Sazerac

Jillar

Forestgreen

Jordan                                     

Doreen                      the companionship, words and resources  bring much hope.   Again, thank you.     ...and all the people on the train who chime in and show up.  Thank you!!

So the last few days I have been "off".   Mostly don't even think about smoking,  until....  a small crave here and there.  Too tired...a crave.  Stressed a crave....  find I am doing just what I did when I did smoked. Distract myself from whatever the situation is with the next thing.  

  Likely healthier and sturdier to examine what is going on and meet the underlying need, yet habit is habit and I distract.     so easy to toss off the important stuff....

Had a HUGE short, with small intense after squalls, cigarette tantrum yesterday.  I was stowing winter gear.  Checked the pocket of a dress coat and found an almost full pack and a lighter.  Was already befuddled and discontent with several things and my responses to them.  Tossed the pack and lighter aside and continued stowing things as I loudly declared, " Are you fing serious?"  My eyes were drawn to the familiar pack, repeatedly. Just the feeling of the pack in my hand as I had pulled them from the pocket was seductive and familiar and  deadly.  Luckily for me, my guy was here too. He heard me from across the house and came to investigate.  He took them and broke them and flushed them.  I did go find him once I was done with the box I was stowing and asked for the pack.   Luckily they were already gone.  

So back to that commitment ponderance,   again.    Still on the train.   Grateful for the quit.   Hope this sticky quit is real.