TELLING ALL . ( caps are emphasis only)
OUT OF SIGHT , OUT OF MIND ? I Hid cigarettes in my coat pocket and convinced myself I didn't know how they got there. That was CRAFTY , SLY , UNDERHANDED , INTENTIONAL and I AM GUILTY . It never did help me quit .
The DELIBERATE ACTION : I Kept lighters ... threw away the smokes, and the ashtrays, but convinced myself that the lighter was still a necessity to have in the home. They arebut my thinking was much different . It was a DELIBERATE course of action should I not be able to handle the stress of quitting : Should I find a butt to smoke ..I had the lighter . That never helped me quit . That was : STINKING THINKING , and caused EMOTIONAL TORTURE having that lighter tempt me over and over . I often searched for butts ewwww gross ! Cigs were always just a thought away. That was not taking my quit seriously ; that was setting myself up for failure .
THE SECRECY APPROACH : I tried being a closet smoker : That was a lot of work ! Showering : perfume : hand cream . Repeat , then repeat again . I thought I could smoke and get away with it hiding my addiction . No one would know and I could still pretend with all those I loved that I was quit, and at the same time I could still support and feed my craves . That was SNEAKY AND kinda frightening and it only brought on MORE frequent CRAVINGS because I kept feeding them . I felt GUILTY , and ASHAMED . The secrecy approach sure didn’t help me quit !
Was SMOKING really making me HAPPY? . Smoking CONTROLLED my LIFE !
BOLDNESS: Oh I have to share this one lol was I bold or what and rather silly now I think about it . I Went to a park took my cigarettes , hidden of course with my lighter , and sat at a picnic bench . ANXIOUSLY I kept a LOOK OUT, AFRAID of BEING SPOTTED while taking A FEW puffs ( UNDERCOVER of a COAT ) . Oh my gosh what if I got caught !!!!! Grown woman caught Smoking !! I could see the headlines ! She LIED . She wasn't quit !! That was: OUT OF CONTROL , DESPERATION and that caused more of the same . ANXIETY , FEAR , SHAME AND EMBARRASSMENT, and OH MY GOSH , I WAS an ADDICT! How could smoking be "THAT GOOD" to cause this much pain ?
SELFISHNESS: I Smoked while babysitting my sons dog. It was nice to have the company while I was out taking him for a walk or sitting on the balcony petting him . : He died of cancer at 6 years old and broke my sons heart . I miss him too . I wish I hadn't smoked . He gave us unconditional love , I gave him second hand smoke .Tears and sorrow are still shed over that . I blew smoke in the faces of all those I loved, FOR AN ADDICTION !!! MY KIDS SHOULD HAVE COME FIRST / MY GRANDKIDS , MY SIBLINGS , and my FRIENDS. My kids PETS SHOULD HAVE COME FIRST , but I chose cigarettes as my friends ,and MY right over everything else. THAT brought me nothing but GRIEF, SORROW , and SHAME , ANGER and GUILT and the most EMOTIONAL PAIN ever . Smoking was not fun . It didn't make me happy . I began to see smoking for what it was , understanding and seeing the truth . I decided to face my denial, get real with my addiction and stop the insanity .
What has cigarettes done for us .The answer is simply nothing good . It is one of the worst forms of torture ever, and it was slowly killing us . The sad part: we willingly made the choice to do it everyday . We are of so much more worth, and value than that . “
THE ENDING : Quitting got easier once I decided to STOP THE INSANITY, and quit playing games with my quit . I was wasting valuable time .
What did I truly want ?
I wanted to quit .
I surrendered .
Cigarettes had that much control in my life , but not anymore .
I took my power back :)
I am glad all of you as well are claiming your power and your freedom from this addiction :) _ Sherri L.