CanadianProud

Hello, this is my first time posting. I am 33 years old and came down with the flu a few weeks ago, which lead to pneumonia. 10 days after I was diagnosed with pneumonia I was hospitalized for 3 days due to low blood oxygen levels. I was released from hospital last Monday (2 nights ago). During my sickness I did not smoke. It was a struggle to breathe and I had no desire to smoke. I told myself I would never smoke again because I made it this far. Also, after getting a glimpse of what living with lung disease is like, I wanted to quit before I developed a more long-term lung disease. Well since getting out of hospital I have really been struggling. I am so emotional. Partly because I missed out on so much over the Christmas break due to my illness, and Christmas is my favourite time of the year. Partly because not smoking makes me sad. I don't even fully understand why I am so sad, but I have been crying a lot. I work from home so I am all alone during the day, and being back to my normal routine makes me feel like I am missing out by not taking my smoke breaks. I know it sounds silly, but I feel very deprived. Anyways, today I broke down and found my pack of cigarettes that I gave to my non-smoking husband (they were in his sock drawer) and smoked three. My lungs are still recovering, it was so stupid. Now I'm even more emotional. I don't want to be a smoker, but I love smoking. Sorry for the rambling. just feeling very emotional and thought I'd try reaching out to others who might understand what I am going through. I should also add, I was a pack-a-day smoker from 14 yrs - 27 yrs. I quit for 2 years, using the patch for 3 months, when my husband and I decided to try for a baby. We got pregnant with twins. I stupidly started again around their first birthday. At first it was just a couple of smokes a day with my coffee during their nap, but it slowly turned into a half-a-pack-a-day habit. Now I want to quit even more for them, so I can be around as long as possible, be healthy for them, and set a good example. Nevertheless, the cravings are so strong.