RunGirlRun

Hey, My name is Martina, I am from Europe (please excuse any grammar or spelling mistakes) and I currently live in Oklahoma. I've been smoking for 12 years by now and it kept getting more and more cigarettes per day each year. In 2013, there were days were I easily smoked around 2 packages a day, I'd say the average was 1.5 packs per day. I always got a bunch of cartons at once and totally lost control over it. At that time, it was the first time I realized that smokers cough and I saw that smoking actually influenced my health. Besides the strong mental addiction (do I have enough cigarettes with me? Oh my god, I only have 3 cigarettes left in my package...), I started working out frequently and once I started thinking about quitting I often smelled the ugly smell of cigarettes on my clothes, hands and blankets. So on New Year's Eve of 2013 I had my last cigarette and I was doing good for almost the whole year. But I made a big mistake. I started having two or three cigarettes with a glass of wine once a month and I immediately regretted that the next day (horrible headache and cravings) but somehow I kept doing that. Well I even had a cigarette when I met up with friends for coffee or dinner. At the end I used every situation as excuse to smoke. By January 2014 I was back to smoking several cigarettes per day, except for work. After changing jobs in March I am back to my old smoking habits and I smoked around 1 to 1.5 packs per day. But I don't want to smoke anymore. It is ridiculous, costs a LOT of money, it makes me sick. I could list many many more reasons why I don't want to smoke anymore. A few days ago I decided that I will smoke the remaining packs I have and then quit. Today I got a vapor which is going to help me quit by replacing the cigarettes. And I also have nicotine gums in case I need an extra "kick". So I did smoke my last cigarette an hour ago! How do I feel? Honestly, I don't know. Before quitting I was very excited but also very afraid at the same time. And now since I had my last cigarette I feel like my partner which I've been dating for many, many years just broke up with me. It sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? And I feel tired and kind of empty. I hope this forum will help me to fight my cravings, find new motivation when I need some and see that I'm not alone in this situation. On the other side, I hope that I can help you too! :bye: