Again, with the chickens. . .7 straight hours of sleep, and the new litter box seems to be controlling the neurotic cat's need to scratch through to the next room. So, cat still lives. There seems to be the occasional discussion here on the Quit Smoking board over the attributes of cats vs. dogs. Observation this morning was that, while cats play with their poop, dogs eat cat poop. I don't know what that means, however. lol.

Was pretty anxious and restless for much of the day. Finally went horizontal for an hour, got up and started scraping 6 inches of melting snow and ice off of the patio.Could have waited for it to melt, but what the heck. And. . . I mostly didn't think about smoking. Let's see. Vacuuming, scraping snow. Geez. Sad, sad.

New ritual for after eating; chew wintergreen gum. That's my gum time. I've never cared for gum, but I seem to be doing a lot of things I've never cared for. Like, vegetables. Had a short panic attack; out of hummis. I'm that secure though that. . .I got out the yogurt dill crap and I'll make do until I get to the store tomorrow. hehheeh!

This evening was better. Not smoking was at the back of the brain rather than the forefront for an hour or two. Greatful for a bit of peace. Or, not so much argh. No glitter yet. . .

But, I didn't smoke today. And that is freedom.

Thanks, guys.

Got some work done yesterday. Then, left work early went to gym and pedaled on the stupid bike, not reading my book cause I couldn't concentrate. Then, went and swam a bit in the pool. That helped; relaxing and my head shut up for a bit.

Went to a movie with my son last night, then out to supper. This is an unusual thing, but we both enjoyed it, I think. Personally, I couldn't bear the thought of sitting at home and listening to my head without some distraction. Had a "pang" half way through; not physical, just a trigger. had to pee, but looked longingly outside and then went back to movie. Demolished popcorn and chocolate covered raisins. My favorite all time candy. Got better.

Supper was ok. Uncomfortable, and badly wanted to go over to the smoking section and just "sniff." But didn't.

So, here's what I know intellectually:

I am a recovering junkie, with 23 years clean off of mood and mind altering substances, including alcohol. But not nicotine. Don't go there.

I feel lousy, emotionally. Most of my head is taken up with NOT SMOKING. I don't know how to do this. Live life without my nicotine. A drug. Yes, indeedy.

I don't know other people who SNIFF the smokers except people who might have a wee problem not smoking.

I know that, when I was getting clean 20 years ago, I felt like. . .

this.

I know that life got WAY better fairly quickly, and I stopped Jonesing within a few months and I learned how to live life differently. And, boy, has it been good!

So, my little smoking monkey is telling me

1. you'll never feel better. You're different from these people. These bright and shiny sparkly people. So what's the f$$$$$$ point?

2. you can't do this. . .

3. you don't have any serious health problems. . .what's the big deal?

So, I'm not a yippee, what a fantastic day it is not smoking! kinda gal.

I'm not smoking today. F%%% it.

The above 3 items are not true. not true. not true.,

I WILL feel better. It just may not happen today. Or tomorrow. But eventually, it has to happen, because that's how it works.

I CAN do this. I quit dope. It was harrrrd. So is this. But I did. And I did that like this; with the help of shiny sparkly people who I thought were deranged and/or lying. lol.

And, I do have health problems. Not serious? Don't know. But that chronic cough, subdued emotional responses, numb feet, constant ticking clock in my body "wanna smoke, wanna smoke, waNNA SMOKE!" and a pulse of 96 is not symptomatic of a normal healthy person. So I can wait for the heartattack, the doctor telling me "emphysema", and then go through this again? Maybe. Maybe I won't attempt to quit again, denial too strong.

And, how easy is it to once again attempt to kill myself because of terminal uniqueness? All of you guys have been here. Perhaps I can let go of enough negativity to listen, just one more day.

Hey, Itsdianah?

Mantra for the day: "I'm not f#$%#ing going anywhere."

Sorry for the symbols; the anger seems to be, uh, back.

rofl!