Soberjulie

Posted April 7, 2014 

some days are harder than others.

but you don't pick up that first cigarette

you just don't.

it's less about willpower than it is about making a decision not to, in advance of the thought or the desire, no matter how scared, angry, jealous, happy, bored, horny, depressed, anxious, elated, insecure, arrogant, lonely or silly you feel.

some days it seems that although yesterday life looked good, today it doesn't, and although you know the only thing that's changed is your attitude, it's hard to shake.

but you don't pick up that first cigarette

the one that always leads to all the others.

you just don't.

even though you might think about it for a minute.

(but you're too smart to let that thought linger. Still ... for just a minute, the idea is there

it feels like the Universe is leaning on every.

single.

button.

so you make some phone calls

but all you get is voice mail.

but you don't pick up that first cigarette

you just don't.

you leave messages all over Quit Train and Facebook pretending to be doing a little better than you are, but sort of alluding to the idea that, gosh, if they could get back to you that would be cool...

You feel stupid about what could amount to spamming your social networks but you log on and do the same thing again.

and that thought from before, the one about smoking didn't leave, exactly. it's like a piece of food stuck between your teeth, or a little splinter on the bottom of an unimportant toe (not the big one, that you'd feel with every step -- this is there/not there -- uncomfortable enough to feel but not so much that you stop and do something about it.)

so you get busy, and try to write, or read, or do that whatever-it-was you've been putting off, but that just feels futile or irritating.

and you dare the universe to dazzle you with some amazing "coincidence" -- a call from your quit buddy right now -- a knock on the door right this moment, a particular song on the radio the second you turn it on -- a Sign you can share about at Quit Train then everyone will smile warmly and nod, and you'll feel all "right" with things and wise and connected ... but ...

nothing happens. no call. no knock. an ad for discount mattresses on the radio.

and you don't pick up the first cigarette

you just don't.

you judge yourself an ingrate, a poser, an impostor, a spoiled/wounded ass/sadsack, pathetic

you judge yourself for judging yourself,

you go to the refrigerator you look at porn you click through channels on tv you wonder if you need medication,

you suspect you should try deep breathing and meditation

but you don't.

but you don't pick up the first cigarette

you just don't.

and it gets better.

it passes.

eventually.

If you Just Don't.

Link to original post: https://www.quittrain.com/topic/354-you-just-dont/