I WANT TO QUIT BUT I JUST CAN’T

[Reciprocity]

Hang in there T2B It isn't pleasant particularly in the early part of your quit and having a constant, unpleasant personal situation to deal with doesn't help but, you know that smoking will only make you feel even worse so please don't even consider that. You will soon get to the point where you are not struggling so much with your quit and better able to devote your energy to your other situation.

[JB 883]

Just do not give in cause you have made it a short distance but it is progress.

If you give in and light up, it is back to square one.

 

[Tyme2B]

Back to Square One. 

After 50 emails, 2 crying phone calls & a suicide threat from my mother...all in one day... I blew it. 

I’ll start again tomorrow ?

[Runfree]

Do come back.

[Doreensfree]

Never give up tyme...we will be here for you ....

[JB 883]

Tyme2B -

I might be going against the grain by saying this but - if that is typical behavior from mom, being able to concentrate on something as challenging as a quit would be even harder. I am not going to sit here and lecture. I would say your smoking habit is probably one of your lesser problems right now.

You gotta figure out some way to handle mom. May have to cut contact, report her suicide threats, just whatever. Put your god damn foot down. I know she is probably older and isn't likely to change but you cannot subject yourself to this if you want a healthy life. This goes far beyond whether or not you smoke. Our health is more than being a smoker or non-smoker. It is the people or situations we have to deal with.

What do I know? Not quit first hand like you do but if my step-dad were given the chance, he would probably act the same way with me. I have NO contact.

 

Quitting, as we all know, is much more than just putting down that pack. We have to clear some obstacles before and during. For some, the quit path may be a walk in the park (as much as quitting CAN be) but for others, it is like trying to drudge one's way through a destroyed alley. Sounds like Tyme2B is in the "alley".

Yeah but you NEED to do something about your mom. Most people do not regret getting "difficult" relatives out of their lives. Even if you do manage to put away the smokes, she is ruining other areas of your life.

 

[Tyme2B]

On 2017-11-28 at 4:25 AM, Jetblack said:

Tyme2B -

I might be going against the grain by saying this but - if that is typical behavior from mom, being able to concentrate on something as challenging as a quit would be even harder. I am not going to sit here and lecture. I would say your smoking habit is probably one of your lesser problems right now.

You gotta figure out some way to handle mom. May have to cut contact, report her suicide threats, just whatever. Put your god damn foot down. I know she is probably older and isn't likely to change but you cannot subject yourself to this if you want a healthy life. This goes far beyond whether or not you smoke. Our health is more than being a smoker or non-smoker. It is the people or situations we have to deal with.

What do I know? Not quit first hand like you do but if my step-dad were given the chance, he would probably act the same way with me. I have NO contact.

 

Quitting, as we all know, is much more than just putting down that pack. We have to clear some obstacles before and during. For some, the quit path may be a walk in the park (as much as quitting CAN be) but for others, it is like trying to drudge one's way through a destroyed alley. Sounds like Tyme2B is in the "alley".

Yeah but you NEED to do something about your mom. Most people do not regret getting "difficult" relatives out of their lives. Even if you do manage to put away the smokes, she is ruining other areas of your life.

 

JB unfortunately I am in a Place right now where Quitting is indeed a challenge. You are not out of line at all in the advice you have given. I knew the situation with my mother was going to make things very difficult & was concerned it would make my Quit much harder. Mom is post op oral cancer...she is also still having delirium symptoms which have been a huge challenge. She is elderly at age 87...her condition will improve with time. I am accustomed to her abuse but this surgery has made things 100x worse. Not having any contact with her is not an option...believe me, this has been advised by Therapists many times....but I have a sister who I love very much and without my help she would become ill from having to deal with mom on her own. I am going to take just a little time to reduce my high anxiety but still try in the meantime to work toward my own important goal, which of course is being smoke free. As mom improves the obstacles will reduce. I need to concentrate on ME & MY needs. MY QUIT. Going into this challenge requires less anxiety. Less time being a Caregiver. More time caring for myself. My whole life has been dedicated to being a Health Care Professional and I can’t change my personality...but I CAN change my habits. 

Thank you for your caring insight & advice JB. I CAN & WILL conquer this. Everyone on this site has been encouraging & thoughtful. Now it’s up to me to choose wisely & care for myself. 

I am staying on the site to give me the motivation & positive relationships needed to kick this habit. Better than being a “lurker”. Doreen would catch me “lurking” anyway. I’m hoping the next week will provide less anxiety & more peace of mind to escape “the alley”. I know I CAN. 

 

[Tyme2B]

I sincerely hope it is okay with Members on this site to work through my Quit with all of you as my Support network. My Quit may be temporally delayed but it is still on the table front & center and of great importance to me. Every day will be a Quit Day...I will never give up. I am going to post on the Nope site at the end of the day so that you know I have been successful in my pledge to myself. 

If this is not a comfortable situation for you as members of the site, I understand. 

[Reciprocity]

Absolutely it's OK - not only OK but highly encouraged to not only stay here but also to participate as much as you can. That will help you to stay focused on your quit. We know you have a personal challenge to handle at the same time as you are handling your quit. Always remember that smoking will NEVER help any personal issues any of us might have. Smoking only adds to our problems. It always takes - never gives back to us. Smoking only feeds the addiction and sets up the next cycle of anxiety that will need to be satisfied by having another "fix". Break the cycle T2B - you CAN do it

[Tyme2B]

Just now, reciprocity said:

Smoking only feeds the addiction and sets up the next cycle of anxiety that will need to be satisfied by having another "fix". Break the cycle T2B - you CAN do it

Thanks R. Yes, being here will definitely help me stay focused and you are so right about breaking the fix cycle. I CAN! 

[Boo]

Tyme,

Spending time on this site reading the information available here and watching some of the videos is a vital step in undoing the conditioning we put ourselves through as addicts.  Education is the greatest weapon you have in fighting nicotine addiction.

This forum is a great tool and I'm glad to see you will be making use of it.

1 hour ago, Tyme2B said:

I CAN! 

That's the spirit.

[Doreensfree]

Never give up..trying to give up..

I have that many failed attempts in my past ,I couldn't count...I'm the last one to sermon anyone ..I'm just here to help ijn any way I can...

I have been Tonys career for many years,and understand the struggles you are facing..

It took me a long time to finally put the cigs down...it was only when my own health was declining I quit for good...

My advice...stick around here...keep trying...stay with friends...

You can do this.... I know you can...and you will....xxx

[JB 883]

I don't think anyone would mind you being here. You are not even close to the first one here to have relapse, struggles with Quit, etc.

Tyme, I did not know you used to be in medical or some sector of caregiving. I guess things we do most of our lives, we cannot just stop on a dime. We cannot escape who we are, what we do. Duty calls, we answer. I never was a caregiver to any capacity but things I am good at, cannot avoid.

I guess the best you can do is put together a battle plan. If nothing else, give yourself some credit for what cigarettes you DID avoid during the attempted quits.

[ChRiSpY]

There is always going to be shit in your life.  Don't use it as excuses... find ways to deal with it other than smoking.

You are either not ready or not prepared.

Do you want to quit..then do it!!!  Quit fcuking around.  Make a plan for when the fit hits the shan and do it.

Keep on keepin on.

[Tyme2B]

I hear you Chrispy. Gotta get my shit together & pick the right time asap. I’m not giving up. I’m stubborn...

[Cristóbal]

On 27/11/2017 at 6:35 PM, Tyme2B said:

Back to Square One. 

After 50 emails, 2 crying phone calls & a suicide threat from my mother...all in one day... I blew it. 

I’ll start again tomorrow ?

 

Hello Tyme2B,

Smoking did not change in any way the outcome of the events that you used as excuse to smoke again.

 

It did not make 50 emails, become 0.

It did not make the 2 crying phone calls, become none.

It did not make your mother's suicide threat, less severe or urgent.

 

The only thing that you accomplished, was you used these events as excuses to threw away your precious new quit and freedom from slavery, and returned to the horror of active addiction. 

Now, who knows how long it may be before you find the courage and the desire to start a new quit.

Many people do exactly what you do, smoke for years more in the "comfort" of the addiction, and then return to the quit smoking forums years later when they are diagnosed with a smoking related disease, and are forced to quit.

Others, die before they can even make it back to a quit smoking forum.

 

The words "dying of lung cancer", "amputation of feet and legs", "24 hour oxygen",  cannot in any way describe the reality of the horrors of these diseases and conditions that can make the rest of your life become living hell until the day you die.

 

Of course you can quit.

You were not born with a cigarette in your mouth, were you?

Of course not. Smoking is a acquired addiction, and it is simple to make it UN-aquired.

 

The only thing that you need in order to quit smoking, is to make a commitment to yourself, to never take another puff.

Any difficulties you may as you start your quit, are simply temporary noise in your life caused by a chemical addiciton with no intelligence as it goes to sleep, and are absolutely nothing compared to the horrors that have a high possibility of becoming your permanent reality, if you continue to smoke.

The non-smoker that you want to be, you already are. You just need to remove the active addiction from your life. Once you do that, you will with time comfortably become the non-smoker that you used to be.

Starting right in this moment, make that commitment. Now !!! And keep that commitment. Nothing more....and nothing less, is needed for your to get your sticky quit.

 

Cristóbal

 

 

 

Edited December 10, 2017 by Cristóbal

[Tyme2B]

I know you are right Cristobal. But I need to be in a state of mind where I can be STRONG. I need to wake up without feelings of impending doom & the realization I CAN do this. I know that everyone has their life stressors to deal with & many other obstacles to deal with but at some point they can overcome these issues enough to accomplish their Quit. With all due respect, you have no idea who I am or how I feel or how I react to stress....we are all different. You really have no idea what I have been going through. BUT, I am getting better & am working hard on finding new ways to cope without smoking and I WILL do this. It is on my mind every day. I DO thank you for your words. I need them to help make me stronger & more committed than ever to my Quit. I need the alternate ways to deal with extreme stress that I am working on actively. I don’t want to fail again...I want a sticky Quit that will be my new, ongoing life. I’m well aware that smoking to battle stress is a mirage...I’m getting stronger every day as I have been working hard to put chaos into enough order to survive & learn better ways to deal with stress. I read. I practice. It takes time. With that accomplished, I can concentrate on myself...for once do what’s best for ME. Thanks Cristobal. I hope to be proud of my sticky Quit very soon. 

[Tyme2B]

Just for the record NO ONE I know has an abusive elderly mother like mine. I am reading a book called Walking on Egg Shells. Her emails go to my Junk mail. I am only seeing her once a week now. I am learning how to relax & battle extreme anxiety. I have seen my Dr. who can’t believe what I am going through. And I am getting better as I work towards my Quit. I WILL win the battle...excuses will not be on the table. This site is my inspiration. But at the same time I also know this is not a site to air stress or help with abuse...I am on another site for that which has been very helpful. Hope an SOS might give me suggestions & support to NOT cave however. ?

Edited December 10, 2017 by Tyme2B

[JB 883]

I think you said it was your sister who is the primary care giver?

Ok so - for you and your sister, is your mom paying your bills or giving you a place to stay? What i am getting at is -

What would you two have to lose by just chucking her in a nursing home? It sounds like she is more of a problem than smoking cigarettes (or not).

Remember this - one should not complain about that which they need not subject themselves. So if arranging to have your mom put in a nursing home is an option, you can either do that or just deal with her BS. If you two HAVE to deal with her, then yes, complaining (venting) is alright.

And abusive? Just what is some 80 year old woman going to do? Spank or beat you and your sis? That may have happened when you were kids but today, it is not likely a threat. Even if but verbal abuse, you have GOT to stop putting up with it.

Maybe it is just me who feels that way. I have always been told (in different manners) that it is best to get rid of toxic people in one's life, especially if they are not doing you any favors.

I think it is easy to tell someone "Just do not smoke no matter what" and it sounds good but if there are huge stressors getting in the way of quitting, those must be dealt with. Smoking is but a peanut in a bigger turd when it comes to life problems.

Think of this, they say smoking will not solve problems. However, to stop smoking is not going to get rid of external problems. Get rid of the external problems (like getting difficult relatives or acquaintances out of your hair) THEN watch as quitting smoking becomes easier, your happiness increases.

 

[BAT]

The purple Lizard is right. It's so simple your mind just will not let you see it. I bet if you banged your head off the wall a few times every time your mind started making you think you needed a cigarette it would finally get the hint. 

[Doreensfree]

I don't walk in your shoes sweetheart..so I won't judge you...but....what I will add is...

I never thought quitting smoking would make me more stronger and give me more confidence in every aspect of my life...

I find I deal with problems ,much more calmly with better results...

I spent 5 decades thinking cigarettes were the answer...I was wrong....I can now deal with life.... On life's terms...

Wouldn't change it for anything....

 

[Tyme2B]

1 hour ago, Jetblack said:

I think you said it was your sister who is the primary care giver?

What would you two have to lose by just chucking her in a nursing home? It sounds like she is more of a problem than smoking cigarettes (or not).

Remember this - one should not complain about that which they need not subject themselves. So if arranging to have your mom put in a nursing home is an option, you can either do that or just deal with her BS. If you two HAVE to deal with her, then yes, complaining (venting) is alright.

And abusive? Just what is some 80 year old woman going to do? Spank or beat you and your sis? That may have happened when you were kids but today, it is not likely a threat. Even if but verbal abuse, you have GOT to stop putting up with it.

Maybe it is just me who feels that way. I have always been told (in different manners) that it is best to get rid of toxic people in one's life, especially if they are not doing you any favors.

I think it is easy to tell someone "Just do not smoke no matter what" and it sounds good but if there are huge stressors getting in the way of quitting, those must be dealt with. Smoking is but a peanut in a bigger turd when it comes to life 

 

No JB, my sister is not the primary Caregiver, she just lives closer. Our mother is in a Retirement Residence. It’s independent living but we have hired help. There is a year or more wait for a Nursing Home here. Yes the abuse is verbal...

I am dealing with this problem now. I’m hoping to get myself on track & gain the strength to Quit. Smoking is not  giving me strength...dealing with the situation is...and I WILL be back! Thanks to you All. ?

[Tyme2B]

42 minutes ago, Doreensfree said:

 

I find I deal with problems ,much more calmly with better results...

I spent 5 decades thinking cigarettes were the answer...I was wrong....I can now deal with life.... On life's terms...

Wouldn't change it for anything....

 

You have worked hard to gain your freedom Doreen ? I want to be free too. And I will be...I’m working things out to reduce the load I’m carrying. Then I can wake up with a purpose...looking after ME...being smoke free. I want to be able to say what you said...I’m smoke free & wouldn’t change it for anything. Thank you for being there for all of us on this site. ?

[Doreensfree]

Never give up trying ,until you do get there..and you will..I'm sure of that...

Im waiting on the Lido Deck...for your party...don't let me down... xx

[Reciprocity]

Hey T2B! We all have our own set of quit circumstances that is right for us in terms of finding our permanent quit time. You just need to find yours. I found mine quite unexpectedly earlier this year. Once you think your time is right, hold onto that feeling like a dog on a bone because that's how you will do it!  You will quit forever as long as you NOPE in your head every day no matter what life throws at you. You WILL get there as long as you commit