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Oldybutmouldy

I am really struggling right now

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It's my one year quit and I am finding just typing this really hard.

 

Life over the last few months has thrown me a couple of curve balls that I am having a hard time coming to terms with, and earlier today I found myself wanting to go out and buy a pack of ciggies for the first time in over 8 months. 

 

My goddaughter died in August leaving 3 children all under 11.  I was really struggling with a job I love and had to give notice and finished just last week.  One daughter is agoraphobic and the other one is pretty depressed so needs a lot of support right now and on top of this I have Fibromyalgia and CFS, the symptoms of which have really been making a nuisance of themselves for a while.

 

I am finding it really hard to distract myself and cannot seem to settle to anything and keep hopping from one thing to another like a demented parrot. I just feel lost and a little out of control.

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Hey oldy, with all that going on its to be expected. You're overwhelmed! But smoking isn't going to change any of that and you know it. Why would you give up that beautiful one year quit only to find that nothing got better because you smoked? Even never smokers would be overwhelmed by the things you have and are going through right now.

I'm confident because you posted, that you will not smoke and lose your quit. If you really wanted to smoke you would have never posted this. 

I'm truly sorry for all the stuff you're dealing with and the death of your goddaughter. Maybe you could spend extra time with her kids, it might be just what you need to feel better?

Edited by jillar
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Hey Oldy first of all congrats on the 1 year quit and there should be your motivation.  Having  a smoke now may only make things worse.  I am so sorry you are going thru this all now especially with the season and everything and it is a tough go.  As said above spend the time with family and friends if possible and try and remember the positive  -- it is hard but smoking will only make it harder at this time.  

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Things are hard yes but I find it even harder to believe that someone with a solid year quit would go back to smoking. Even after a year some of us still do get craves but it is not enough to give in.

 

If you pick the cancer sticks back up, you are really gonna feel like crap.

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Smoking will not change any of the crappy things happening in your life, it wont make them better and it will not help you cope.

 

I know times are tough, but look at it this way, at the moment you can't control many of the things in your life... but there is one thing you have total control over, only you can control and no one or nothing can take that control away. You control if you put a smoke in your mouth and set it on fire... only you control that... cling to that control and don't do it... you will feel better and stronger if you don't.

 

 

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@Oldybutmouldy.....I'm sorry to be late ...

I'm sorry also you having to deal with all these difficulties .....

You really deep down didn't want to go back to smoking ...if you did ,I wouldn't be writing this letter ..

Waking the beast wouldn't help in anyway....it would only give you a whole new set of problems ....

If you feel you need support ...please stay with us a while ....until you feel strong enough .....

There will always be someone here .....

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Hi OBM, 

 

Just posted a congratulations on your 1 year quit.

I don't think I can even fathom the things going on with you right now. But I know one thing, which everyone before me has also mentioned, that lighting up, will not solve the problem at all. 

 

There's nothing that smoking will do to change status quo, absolutely nothing. 

You've stuck it out for so long inspite of everything life has thrown at you, I can totally believe that you can beat this demon purring inside of you as well. You've fought and won tougher battles, you can win this.

 

We're with you. Stay strong and KTQ.

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12 hours ago, Oldybutmouldy said:

It's my one year quit and I am finding just typing this really hard.

 

Life over the last few months has thrown me a couple of curve balls that I am having a hard time coming to terms with, and earlier today I found myself wanting to go out and buy a pack of ciggies for the first time in over 8 months. 

 

My goddaughter died in August leaving 3 children all under 11.  I was really struggling with a job I love and had to give notice and finished just last week.  One daughter is agoraphobic and the other one is pretty depressed so needs a lot of support right now and on top of this I have Fibromyalgia and CFS, the symptoms of which have really been making a nuisance of themselves for a while.

 

I am finding it really hard to distract myself and cannot seem to settle to anything and keep hopping from one thing to another like a demented parrot. I just feel lost and a little out of control

First of all Oldy, you are not alone.  We are here if ever you  need to vent or talk.  I will definitely add you to my prayer list. 

I can not imagine the grief you are feeling over the loss of your God daughter.  I hope you and your family can find comfort knowing she is with God.

The decision to leave your job may turn out to be the best move you ever made. 

The conditions your daughters are dealing with can be very debilitating.  I pray they find the treatment that they need.

You should be so proud that you have been able to keep your quit through all you are dealing with.

Take care.

Linda 

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How are you doing now OBM?   It's been a while since you posted this.  Sorry to not get here until now.  You've had a lot on your plate that is for sure, but smoking won't help.  It won't change anything except make you a slave to nicotine again.  I know it's not easy, but causing harm to yourself by smoking won't be the answer.  

 

Replace that urge with something else.  Take a walk, post here, call a friend.   I always found exercise helped a lot when faced with a crave.  What do you like to do?

 

Keeping you in my prayers.

 

 

 

 

 

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Oh you poor darling,

I am so sorry for all your travails

and I hope you hold tight to your quit

because it is one of the GOOD things

in your life right now.

Please stay beautifully strong and celebrate your anniversary !

You are in our thoughts.

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Thank you all for your responses - I really appreciate them.   I guess I am also struggling more with my depressive illness also right now.  My mum died on 20th Dec. 2015, so Christmas time is now also not a very easy time for me anymore.

 

I am going over to my goddaughters to help look after the children mostly every other weekend currently, to give their dad and their grandma a bit of a break.  I know I will continue to not smoke, as it has cost me a lot to get this far, but as I said at the beginning, I just feel so lost and alone right now.   Knowing this community is here where I feel I can at least let a little of that out is very helpful.....  so thanks again for that.

 

I used to access QSMB previously to help me when I first quit, but it seems that forum is no longer available.  I am really glad I also signed up on this forum.  I think maybe I will see if there is a 'pointless' section on here where I can just ramble and release some of my pain rather than on the SOS board.

 

I normally shut myself away from life and most connections with people when I am really struggling like I am currently, but I will try to keep coming in here, if only to just read and maybe react to some posts.  I am also spending some time just watching Joel's videos again, and that is helping me.  Unfortunately, mainly due to the fibro, but also to some degree to the CFS, going for walks to release some of the stress is no longer a real option for me.   Guess I will just have to stick to parking in a field gate and going and sitting in the field whilst throwing a ball for my lovely dog will just have to keep me going on that level.

 

I hope you all have the kind of Christmas you like best.

Kind regards.....   J

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Hi oldy, I know how the death of a parent can bring you down around thei anniversary of it. My dad died on Valentines day 2002. For years I didn't buy my husband not even a card as I didn't' see it as anything but the day my dad died. Your mum's death, especially around Christmas is still pretty new and I can understand how when it comes around it's like it just happened all over again 😞 

Venting on here, posting and participating is a great way to get things off your chest. If you don't feel like your quit is in jeopardy we have an Off the Record board that you can post on. Our socializing board has lots of good topics too. Oh and if you're looking for distractions from smoking posts, those two boards and the games board have lots to keep you occupied :) 

I'm glad you're spending time with the kids, it must be such a help to their dad. Try to have a Merry Christmas and we'll be here if you need us. xoxo

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Please do come here and post anything you choose to.

We have games and a social section

and a place 'off the record' that you can post on threads like 'can we just have a friggin' swearing thread'.

Feel free to post EVERYWHERE.

You will help people out there/in here with your experience.

You also may want to start yourself a blog here, where you can keep it private if you wish or not.

 

Please find yourself some Joy this season and be really really really PROUD of your wonderful quit !

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8 minutes ago, jillar said:

Hi oldy, I know how the death of a parent can bring you down around thei anniversary of it. My dad died on Valentines day 2002. For years I didn't buy my husband not even a card as I didn't' see it as anything but the day my dad died. Your mum's death, especially around Christmas is still pretty new and I can understand how when it comes around it's like it just happened all over again 😞 

Venting on here, posting and participating is a great way to get things off your chest. If you don't feel like your quit is in jeopardy we have an Off the Record board that you can post on. Our socializing board has lots of good topics too. Oh and if you're looking for distractions from smoking posts, those two boards and the games board have lots to keep you occupied :) 

I'm glad you're spending time with the kids, it must be such a help to their dad. Try to have a Merry Christmas and we'll be here if you need us. xoxo

 

8 minutes ago, Sazerac said:

Please do come here and post anything you choose to.

We have games and a social section

and a place 'off the record' that you can post on threads like 'can we just have a friggin' swearing thread'.

Feel free to post EVERYWHERE.

You will help people out there/in here with your experience.

You also may want to start yourself a blog here, where you can keep it private if you wish or not.

 

Please find yourself some Joy this season and be really really really PROUD of your wonderful quit !

 

Thank you both....   I suppose I just need to stay in here a little while and find my way around the different places - at least it will give me something to try to concentrate on and help with the distraction techniques!

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J, I will be watching for your posts.  You need the support of friends right now.  There are times in life that we need friends to help us navigate the difficulties.  I can understand you feeling overwhelmed with what you are dealing with.  

So glad you protected that wonderful quit.  

Know that we are here for you.

Linda

Edited by Linda Thomas
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I'm sorry about everything you are going through, J.  I'm glad you haven't lit up a cigarette, though.  I think you know that smoking will not make anything better, it will just make things a lot worse.

1 hour ago, Oldybutmouldy said:

I think maybe I will see if there is a 'pointless' section on here where I can just ramble and release some of my pain rather than on the SOS board.

 

Yes, please ramble and release all you want here or elsewhere on this board.  Do whatever you think will help.  We're here for you.

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Stay close ....post anywhere on this board....the good folks here will find you ...

Playing the games is a good distraction....

Do what you have to do ...to keep that wonderful quit ....and help you through tough times ....

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So I've spent a little while doing something that always manages to pick my mood up (watching feelgood stuff on you tube), and am feeling a little better now.

 

Spending time on you tube watching some amazing people...   so am just going to try something I know we used to be able to do on QSMB, and if it turns out ok, hoping it is not against forum rules (have not checked to see), but don't remember anything in the stuff I've seen previously.    

 

This amazing young girl reminds me so very much in so many ways of my god daughter Zoe, who died of breast cancer in august.   They are both beautiful strong women....

 

 

 

zoe 59 (2).jpg

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J, I think your post is fine.  Your God daughter is a very beautiful young woman.  I am so sorry she lost her battle with breast cancer.  

She must have been a very strong woman and am sure she would not want you to grieve forever.  This is a beautiful tribute to her.

I think it is good for you to concentrate on the positive.  

I wish so much I could ease your pain but know that it takes times.

Post anytime J.  We are here.

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Beautiful pic of your goddaughter oldy, thank you for sharing....

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Very sad Oldy....your  God daughter was very pretty.....my prayers ....

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