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I totally get what happened. I relapsed after a 6 year quit, and smoked steadily for 6 more. Give yourself some credit for stopping again, so soon after you relapsed. The one Thing I never did, after my first quit, was seek help, from a place like this. I thought I was fine on my own. I am hopeful this is my forever quit, so will stick close to this group, and call out for help, if tempted to light up. Thanks for your brutal honesty, welcome back, and stay close. We are here for you. 
 

KAT

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2 hours ago, jillar said:

 

I completely disagree. This should serve as a reminder to everyone that addicts can never let our guard down and we as addicts are always just one away from a pack a day and reading MLMR's last post on this thread is proof of that.....

I will continue to suggest newbies read this thread in its entirety so that they will stay forever vigilant.....

Btw @Lilley, how's your quit going?

Totally agree with @jillar! It takes guts to admit you blew it…..(pun intended). MLMR is being real, and telling a story which could be any of ours. I had 6 years, and lit up. It happens to a lot of us. Nicotine is highly addictive, and can pull you back in, with little warning. No judgement from me, but rather a heartfelt “Welcome back! You can do this!”

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Sorry to hear you relapsed. I thought you were really enjoying your quit and completely protective of it.

 

It's not important for us to know or understand why you smoked again but it IS important that you understand what happened so you can better avoid it in this quit. You know where to come for support. You're here now obviously so stick around and lean on us quitters. We'll do what we can to assist.

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7 hours ago, MLMR said:

Day one it is. Grmbll. 

Thank goodness you are hopping back on the train MLMR.  You had one awesome quit journey and I know you can do it again.

Unfortunately we all are addicts and all of us have to hold firm on our commitment.  You and I travelled our journeys together and  I will be right there with you on this one.    

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5 hours ago, jillar said:

 

I completely disagree. This should serve as a reminder to everyone that addicts can never let our guard down and we as addicts are always just one away from a pack a day and reading MLMR's last post on this thread is proof of that.....

I will continue to suggest newbies read this thread in its entirety so that they will stay forever vigilant.....

Btw @Lilley, how's your quit going?

 

It's going well @jillar

People see relapses differently. Some see them as a warning and some see them as a what's the point in going through all this just to end up smoking. Different views but both are entitled to their opinion!!

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Posted (edited)

@Gus yes. Thanks for the invite.

@jillar I wish the same.
 @Lilley Im not surprised to see you react like this. I will change nothing here - my quit is my responsability and Im not to blame for other people's feelings about that.
@Lust4Life that ís amazing indeed. And yes, I had to take some very deep breaths before posting this.
@d2e8b8 thanks. Will take a look. 
@Katgirl thanks for your encouraging words. Quitting again is my only option - like @reciprocity sais, I was enjoying my freedom and it gave me so much. I risked loosing all that and Im really sorry that I let myself down.
@Mee thanks. A lot.

Head up high now. I expect this to be partly smooth sailing because of the 2years9months experience and partly monstrously hard because when the thoughts will reoccur, i will have to give everything to shut them down immediately, just like in the very beginning. I have to do the work, regardless of previous succes or failure. 

 

I will obviously not post as much as before, but I will return more often and give at least monthly updates. 

Edited by MLMR
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Posted (edited)

Woke up to this news ... geez....bugger....

I feel very sad when I see a fellow soldier go down and lose his battle....

Ok...pointless pointing out the obvious....This is one Horrible Addiction.....

Your back on the Train....buckle up....and stay in your seat ....

I think Sweetie ..you should keep your post going come here often ,not the other way around ...

This is still your journey ...and it's not over yet ....staying close will help you through 

Dust off...you can still go for them boots ..just make it happen x

Edited by Doreensfree
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Agree with Doreen! Posting less often is not a good decision! You need this place now, more than ever. This is a place for honestly sharing whatever is going on, in your journey, on any given day: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Please reassess your decision about posting. You will have a better chance at a successful quit, if you stay aboard the train……

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Wishing you the best of luck with your new quit MLMR and thank you for sharing your journey, it is a good reminder for all of us to guard our quits and to reach out when needed. Welcome back on the train :) 

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10 hours ago, MLMR said:

Head up high now. I expect this to be partly smooth sailing because of the 2years9months experience and partly monstrously hard because when the thoughts will reoccur, i will have to give everything to shut them down immediately, just like in the very beginning. I have to do the work, regardless of previous succes or failure. 

 

I'm going to give you a piece of advice I have given others before you.  You can take it or leave it.

 

Don't worry so much about thoughts of smoking.  I've followed this thread since you started it and have seen a recurring theme: you seemed to have moments, well before your relapse, where you felt guilt about even thinking of smoking.

 

We are addicts.  We conditioned ourselves for years with cigarettes.  To think that we can just quit one day and never think of smoking again is setting the bar far higher than it need be.  There is only one incontrovertible rule for a successful quit: DON'T SMOKE!  Thinking about smoking does not violate the rule.  Only the act of smoking violates the rule.

 

Each and every thought has as much or as little power as you give it.  I found that the longer I resisted those thoughts, the longer those thoughts persisted.  I was fighting something that was my own creation...The situation improved dramatically when I quit doing that.

 

10 hours ago, MLMR said:

I will obviously not post as much as before, but I will return more often and give at least monthly updates. 

 

I hope you stick around.  Your contributions are much appreciated.

 

Good luck going forward MLMR.  Just remember: DON'T SMOKE!

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Posted (edited)

Saturday was not just a silly mistake. HALT: Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. This was the L. And its been the L for some time now. I cant remember where exactly I lost my steady, but I stopped caring. I remember having said something about caring, in a topic with a message to yourself. Will look that up.

However. I do care here and I do care for now, for this moment. Watched Joel Spitzer today, on lost long term quits.
https://whyquit.com/joels-videos/lost-long-term-quits/

@Boo I will absolutely take your advice. Youre right, its a reocurring theme, giving power to thoughts. Thanks for highlighting that.

Relief coloured my day. I would absolutely be nowhere had I decided to keep quiet and try to continue on my own. And I dont like lies. My openness here has been rewarded too many times with heartfelt advice and sincere smacks.

Also thanks to a dear forum friend who immediately set things straight and helped me accept day 1.

 

Well. What a day.. 😴 Goodnight . 

 

 

 

Edited by MLMR
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Video stresses the importance of drawing a clear line in the sand regarding the issue of whether or not to take a puff. Another alternate title for for this video could have been "should I reset my quit meter?"

 

This is a physiological addiction. There's no such thing as 'a slip'. 

 

 

 

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11 minutes ago, MLMR said:

Video stresses the importance of drawing a clear line in the sand regarding the issue of whether or not to take a puff. Another alternate title for for this video could have been "should I reset my quit meter?"

 

This is a physiological addiction. There's no such thing as 'a slip'. 

 

 

 

Good info, but a bit obvious…….

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24 minutes ago, MLMR said:

This is a physiological addiction. There's no such thing as 'a slip'. 

You have to make an conscious effort to not light a cigarette and take a puff. 🎯 It’s called a bad decision. It’s called quitting your quit. 

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Katgirl said:

Good info, but a bit obvious…….

Obvious, but not from an addict point of view. 
 

From the moment I lit up, to the second I said, 'quit this bs, now' I was in debate with myself. “Oh but, I can just hide this from everybody, I can pretend it never happened, I can just continue my “quit”, or I can just smoke for some time and then find the courage again, it'll be probably easier than at this moment'. I find it embarrassing to admit, but they were the same addict lies as before. *Poof* just like that, as if they never left me. 
 

I’ve been dissecting this last week and I sort of see now how I gradually started to make room for failure. I made smoking acceptable somehow, before I actually did it. And I’m quite shocked it took me 1,5 pack to realise that I blew my precious quit and that there was no other way than to instantly quit that moment and start over again. I mean. Really. Two different worlds almost: 'hey this quit is the coolest, I’m way less depressed and anxious and I can breath again like a normal person and I am so proud' or 'oh whatever, to hell with it'. 
 

By the way, thinking of proceeding and not telling people made me anxious. Would it work, would it be an ongoing fight? And who was I kidding? Once I knew I had to start over I instantly felt better.


 

So yeah, obvious. But... then again...not from an addict point of view. 

Edited by MLMR
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10 minutes ago, MLMR said:

So yeah, obvious. But... then again...not from an addict point of view. 

 

The basic truths can never be overstated.

 

Quitting smoking is simple, but we don't figure that out until we stop complicating things.

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By the way, thinking of proceeding and not telling people, made me anxious. Would it work, would it be an ongoing fight? And who was I kidding? Once I knew I had to start over I instantly felt better.

 

The only person that mattered about lying is ....you ....nothing is gained by lying ...

This is your quit ..No one else's ...you have to live with yourself ...

Better to come clean Sweetheart 🐸

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4 minutes ago, Doreensfree said:

By the way, thinking of proceeding and not telling people, made me anxious. Would it work, would it be an ongoing fight? And who was I kidding? Once I knew I had to start over I instantly felt better.

 

The only person that mattered about lying is ....you ....nothing is gained by lying ...

This is your quit ..No one else's ...you have to live with yourself ...

Better to come clean Sweetheart 🐸

EXACTLY what I was thinking.

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I'm really sorry to read this, MLMR.  I know you are going through a rough time right now and I know it must have taken great courage to come back here and share about your relapse.

 

Nicotine addiction is horrible but the only way to break free is to not smoke again....ever.  Believe that nothing good can come from smoking because that is the truth.  You gain nothing positive by lighting back up.

 

I'm glad you are back.  Post all that you need.  A smoke free life is much better than going through the hell of being a slave to nicotine addiction.

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Calling yourself to account is the most important 1st step after a relapse. But after doing that, let it go because it will not serve you further.

  

And isn't it strange how quitting is actually all bout nothing? N.O.P.E. - it's the only rule we all need to follow and NOPE is all about just not lighting up again so, you do 'nothing' and you'll be successful :) 

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Day 3 

 

The Package Deal

 

When I think of full fledged smoking, first thing that comes to mind is the everlasting unrest. A constant agitation, not being able to be fully in the moment doing whatever it was that I was doing. Always more or less busy with the next fix, busy with alleviating that state of permanent withdrawal.

 

I woke up, thinking of smoking. And I’m annoyed with myself, for caving in. What a circus! Bwegghh.

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