DenaliBlues

Well said. Thanks for these important words @johnny5 and thanks for the bump @jillar.

For years I thought that I was making a free choice to smoke. But my dependence was much deeper than that - chemical, emotional, ritual. I cannot be a casual smoker because I, too, am an addict. I know this because I exhibited many of the classic signs of addiction:

• I kept smoking even though it made me feel terrible and was harming my health. 
• Whenever nicotine ran low in my system, I would get agitated and jittery. The only thing that really mattered to me in those moments was getting my next fix. 
• I made irrational decisions about smoking. Like spending money on smokes even when money was frightfully tight and I was having a hard time making ends meet. Or going outside in hurricane-force winds to smoke, even though it was stupidly dangerous to do so.
• I isolated myself from friends and family, prioritizing my drug (nicotine) over those family relationships.
• I was not always truthful about how much I had smoked.
• Every time I tried to set limits or ration my smoking, I would inevitably revert to my baseline use. "Just one" would turn into "just one more" would turn into "Well, I've already blown it for today so I'll cut back tomorrow" would turn into a pack or more a day. 

Breaking free of this bondage is a real gift of quitting. The addiction is part of me, lurking on the sidelines, able to be reactivated if I smoke even one. So I stay vigilant and say NOPE - Not One Puff Ever - to stay free.

Need to tattoo this on my forehead: “…smoking is a lie and it never was the answer to any of life's problems…”

Yes! Such a silver lining to quitting. No more planning my flight itineraries around which airports had smoking lounges (back in the day) or which airlines had available seats in the smoking section (WAY back in the day). More recently, no more mad dashes to the airport gate because my trip outside to the curb for a smoking fix took too long. No more wanting to claw my eyeballs out due to nicotine deprivation on cross country flights. As @reciprocity said recently, traveling is truly simpler and less stressful (and much less stinky) as a nonsmoker.

Thanks for the post @jillar. I keep telling myself this time will come, so it's good to have reinforcement. Having crossed the 8-month mark I can go hours without thinking about smoking. But I'm praying that eventually that turns into days, weeks, months...  Hoping and NOPE-ing till then. 

Mic drop on this - one to read over and over. Thanks for the bump. 

Thanks for bumping this  @jillar. It nicely captures the torture of what happens in the quitting-not-quitting trap. The fallacy of “I’ll just quit again” or “I’ll only smoke a couple” is right there.

This is a great pick @jillar, thanks for bumping it. This morning I woke up wanting a cigarette so badly that my teeth ached. Good to read this and remember that I truly don't wanna get trapped in this cycle again! 

"....I do not want to forfeit my life to submission & servitude..." Amen. Thanks for the reinforcement.  

Thanks for bumping this @jillar. I, too, have swallowed all of these lies hook, line and sinker. Plus the biggest lie of all… that smoking is “gratifying.” LIE. What actually happened for me was that smoking triggered a craving for more nicotine, which created a craving for even more nicotine, repeated on an endless loop. No matter how much I smoked, it was never “enough.” Although I haven’t yet reached the place where being smoke-free feels completely joyful, I am certainly grateful that nicotine is no longer my puppet master.

Thanks, @jillar. I needed this.

Thanks for bumping this, @jillar. A good reminder of why it’s worth pushing through to the other side.

Thanks for bumping this, @jillar. Now that I'm well beyond the chemical withdrawal phase of my quit, I'm noticing that my actual urges to smoke have not gone away. They are more manageable - and I have a stronger toolkit for coping with them. But The deep desire/urge to smoke persists. This post points to part of why. One factor that contributed to my smoking was trying to numb-out and evade some inner conflicts (and some outer ones, too). Another was unmet needs. Now that I've quit smoking, I'm called into a deeper reckoning with these forces in my life. Ouch. 

I believe that denial is "nature's shock absorber." It serves a purpose in our psyche, and shouldn't be entirely avoided. I used smoking to serve this purpose, but quitting does not mean I have to be relentlessly hammered with discomfort. Talk about a disincentive to keep the quit! All it means is that I need to come up with some different ways to take a break or shift my energies when needed... ways that don't entail sticking something toxic in my mouth and setting it on fire. As @Boo has said elsewhere on the forum (and I'm paraphrasing), there are 999 things I can do with this moment, and just one thing I can't do - smoke. Here's to focusing  on the 999.  

So appreciate this, @jillar. Sometimes quitting seems like mortal combat, a desperate struggle. But reading this helps me have faith that the Train is taking me to freedom and peace. Ease is just around the corner. I'm gonna focus on that idea today! 

Agreed with @Linda... I appreciate your sharing this, Jillar. Bumping these older posts and blogs helps me learn more about what the quitting journey is like, about the perils that lurk in the bushes along the way. How many sinus infections and bouts of bronchitis did I smoke through? So many. Your story is real. It's motivating. It also helps me, as a newcomer, get to know you a little better. I'm very grateful you are here.  

This is, perhaps, an odd one: Not rattling as I walk down a hiking/birding trail. I used to always keep a hardpack of smokes in the right leg pocket of my cargo pants. Because the pack was usually half-gone, it used to rattle with every step I took. In the same pocket, also used to carry a black rubber film cannister for my butts, so that I didn't leave them lying around on trail. And of course they rattled, too. I now see so much wrong with this picture: being fastidious about not leaving butts on the ground while totally ignoring the smoke I put inside me... being literally a walking ashtray. Rattle. Rattle. Rattle. Nope, not this year! I look forward to hearing what the world sounds like.