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Death In The West - The Marlboro Story (Full Documentary)

Still winning

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  1. Still winning
    I've umm'ed and ahh'ed about writing another blog entry, I don't like to be rushed I guess. I thought I was in  a new year and heading for my 4th year quit but on perusing the site, transpires I'm heading for my 5th lol. Smoking is an enigma to me now but those who knew my habit 2+ packs a day for years can't believe I have stayed quit *cough, this site* and new friends can't imagine me as a smoker! The latter is a compliment for sure.
     
    However when I quit it was with two others. My Mum and my then boyfriend, now just one of my best friends. Both relapsed. Chris, my friend, smokes heavily again and has done for 4 years, no quit in sight. Sadly my Mum damaged herself too heavily and last May, 1 day before her 70th birthday, I stood at her bedside after the awful news she wouldn't make it - to talk her over to the other side. Our relationship had been fairly strained but I'm pleased we had marginally reconnected for a few months before she died of multiple organ failure - drinking and smoking were at the heart of it all, quite literally. I have the most awful memories and photographic evidence of me holding her hand and cuddling in as I was telling her to look for our loved ones...when we should have been preparing for her birthday. 
     
    If you have children and are on the fence then please consider that it isn't just you who suffers. Get educated and be real. 
     
    The quit itself is effortless now. I remember at times that I would have smoked here and smile that it means absolutely nothing, it simply a memory. My children are level 4 and 5 (red and green belt) at mixed martial arts where I used the money from quitting to put them in a club to train. I should really go to that gym I pay for more, oops, but I can still run faaarrrr better than I ever could as a smoker, even with the gaps in training haha. The quit bought me strength, joy and healthier finances....I have never looked back. I completely retrained myself with a new career and am happily teaching both Reiki healing and Tarot Cards that I trained in. 
     
    My point is the quit bought me nothing but good and joy. Those who didn't commit have a painful story attached. 
     
    Love to all. Marti. xx
  2. Still winning
    It's all about choice.
    We can create the drama, or not. Create the fear, or not.
    It really is very simple. As simple as stepping into the life we want and not being chained to the past.
    The rains may fall and the droughts may happen but we simply move forward step by step when it feels too hard to run.
    Accept support when it is offered, accept gratitude for what you have and what you have accomplished without ego. Some will travel with you on different parts of the journey but don't be afraid to walk alone when it is needed. You are never truly alone anyway, you are a part of the universe, a child of the stars and all the vastness that becomes of this space.
    It's time dear heart. Own the journey.
    x
  3. Still winning
    I don't take failure well. I don't take pointing out or twisting my flaws well.It stillpushes my buttons. Not SOS now but I find it harder when people piss me off. I understand how I gave up a year quit when I feel upset. I won't, cause nothing is worth it but blimey. It's been tough isall.
  4. Still winning
    It's so easy here. The quit is a wonderful thing still. It never gets old for me, perhaps because I assumed my family were "smokers" and it's what we did.
     
    Today I joined a gym again, and I do exercise classes, a few of them and I still look like a ribena berry at the end lol, but I'm so much fitter. I take deep breaths all the time. I'm even wondering if I learn a new breathing technique to help and teach others...from an ex smoker!! Of 40 a day, who tried to quit and relapsed at a rapid rate for over a year but those days are more than done now.
     
    it's pretty magical where I am today. As I walked past a smoker in my local shopping centre I felt a huge level of sympathy. I knew he smoked, I could smell it. I could see the extra lines around his mouth and hear the quick breaths he took. I chose to NOPE through that. My poor mama, as much as we have dramas, she smokes again because of stress. She's terrified of dying and bringing it ever closer.
     
    Today I am very grateful for my freedom and I genuinely thought that. Thank goodness I don't stand in that supermarket queue to buy smokes today, I can buy my new exercise gear and leave.
     
    My new t shirt says I don't sweat, I sparkle :) I love it, it's bright pink!! Everything is so full of life now I don't have to work around smoking anymore. The triggers or craves are pretty non existant. I'm just grateful that time is done and folk helped me hold on.
     
    I have joined a group to provide support and meet ups to healers and spiritual people like me, I start later this year. After my reiki masters in August. And my 2nd computer course. and I signed up for short sewing and gardening courses. I would not have done ANY of this a year ago. I needed the time to be free to smoke. My life may be far from perfect but I love it today! Free to choose whatever I like :)
     
    13 months last week, lucky for me. Love and light to all! x
  5. Still winning
    I love to write, it is one of my passions and sometimes, it get's the mental neurons firing and course correcting. That's why there is power on these boards because as we help someone else up, or write down a ton of confusing feelings, or acknowledge that today is hard but yesterday was good, we start to straighten out our thought processes.
     
    Because some of you know but others don't, my life was somewhat complicated 14/15 months ago when I quit smoking. I had many pressures and few answers and the folk here helped me to quit but also to analyse what was working and what was not. I will be eternally greatful that in hindsight, there were no judgements....of quit techniques which were fairly sketchy or of personality types. This site and the people on it, accepted me for what I was and it meant I kept my quit, for them, when I didn't feel strong enough that moment. A lot is spoken of people who are slightly different and it feels like the world salutes that, apart from if your different is spiritual. Then the world gurns at you and stands back to make sure you are safe! Well I got none of that here and this sensation of being free...combined with safe brought me out of myself. I quit, of course, but I also grew.
     
    I will stop here to thank you for the inner strength I gained through calling you my friends. If you knew how safe I had played my past you would know who I have become is in no small part a revelation. This is not exclusive to me however. You guys and I will support everyone who comes through. Some support is gentle, some is really real, a couple are bordering on crazy but the heart of here is amazing. We all have the same end goal, grow and quit.
     
    I move forward in a new way of being and with new values. And I attribute no small part of that to my quit and having to grow into who I was supposed to be as I often feel we hide behind smoking. But also seeing people here every day, grow into who they were meant to be. It has given me strength to take this journey in tandem with others.
     
    I don't think we just quit smoking, I think we embrace a new way to be, or in actuality, who we were always supposed to be. I think there is strength in the quit from hour 1 to whatever number will be.
     
    So in case you wondered. My life is AMAZING and I attribute that to the support I got here as much as quitting smoking. This may make no sense to you but I felt like I should write somewhere that I am finally happy. I wake in the morning and smile. I go to sleep and smile. I sat saying to my Chris the other day, I feel as if I am free to be myself and I am honestly so happy I might burst. So for anyone who wondered how my story ended...it has just begun :)
     
    Ok I was always going to go deeper then the average bod would - but quitting can be a transformational life tool.
     
    Much love QT'ers. xx
  6. Still winning
    I don't much like my Mum. I feel bad saying that but I don't. She mistreated me in the form of emotional manipulation and bullying, for years, but worse the last year and I am done with her. Toxic as it is, she lives with me waiting to be housed by the coucil/authorities and I am her primary carer as she is disabled. It's one of those situations you look on and shake your head for the poor unfortunates involved.
     
    Move backwards 15 years. I was quit. It had been 364 days when my then fiance announced we weren't happy were we? I said no, that lazy bugger never lifted a finger round the house, we had only moved in together in the dec, now it was the march 6 months off our wedding...things needed changing for sure! He called everything off! I had meant he should hoover or something.... I smoked, a lot...intending to quit the next day, after the weekend, the next week...roll on 14 years....
     
    Yesterday, 3 sleeps till a year...a frikkin year, beating the previous marti record of 364...not even a tremor of wanting to smoke. Oh yeah, some dumb thoughts, but I think dumb stuff all the time and I don't follow all of it through! (some, shhhhh)
     
    I literally can't descrbe the terror at seeing your yes disabled but very pushy, mouthy mother completely lose her faculties. No body functions, no ability to talk or answer, shuddering and shaking...having been seen not 3 hours before she goes to sleep bad and wakes up terrifying! I'm trying to keep the kids in the lounge, speak to the docs on the sly, then call an ambulance and deal with their questions and keep my babies seperate but of course they see some and I can't hide all my emotions...I have another spiritual daughter who can read emotions much like me. So we're all scared from my mum to me to milly...bella at 5 wonders why she can't say goodnight to nan.
     
    For the first time ever my mum goes in an ambulance to hospital alone. I can't go with her but that makes me feel relieved, I'm so ashamed, I didn't want to go, I really don't want her to be ill but I desperately want some space from her. My sisters are abroad or busy, it's now 363 days quit, I keep getting stuck pretending to be ok in hospital to support a woman I have zero respect for and want free from ....
     
    Screw this, I'm going to have a wine or 2 but I almost knew there would be something! I don't know how but I anticipated this test and kept re-assuring myself it was based on previous experience. This sucks donkey balls, but I know that I haven't felt this for months and it's just a trigger.... and I love boats! But what a crappy week for this.
  7. Still winning

    Romance is dead...

    By Still winning,

    I am the woman who is always in control. Always leading the charge and I can battle some. Offensive, not defensive. So the romance thoughts always surprise me a little.
     
    What I refer to as my smoking thoughts, have ramped up a little of late. Now that's ok, cause they are pretty small for the most part considering how long, how much and often I smoked, I think I'm pretty lucky overall. My calmer reactions of god I'm surrounded by divs, huff...have been replaced by needing to get away and regroup though. My emotions are not very even although better then they were a month ago. I have been doing a lot of reiki, meditation and yoga...but I'm not there yet.
     
    I have been thinking about my thoughts (don't ask, yes I overthink lol)... I have so many dumb thoughts!! Last night I thought drinking a bottle of wine was a fab plan...this morning, I don't agree. Stuff like that, nothing bad, just dumb. When someone told me I needed them today (pfft) I thought about smoking ...whassat then?? Of course I didn't, duh, I'm a non smoker and it didn't last, or grab me like a crave or anything sinister...it was just there. I said I don't think so and off it went into the brain ether again, but it's a bit weird.
     
    So I'm reminding myself again that romance is pretty dead. I do not smoke and I look suspiciously on people that bring me flowers...and I'd rather a plant anyway cause it always feels a little mean to kill the flower...but they do look beautiful.
     
    So this is just me remembering. The phoenix has to go into and through the flames to be born again into a new and better phoenix. I think my battle cry for this month will be "once more into the flames" and I will just accept the feelings and let them flow straight through me. I feel better having got it out of my head and into something I can read.
  8. Still winning
    I don't think at the time I quite understood the guru's ahead of me, when they said quitting is a journey and not an event. I sure as hell get it now. What a ride!!
     
    This time 2 years ago I sat with cigarettes, 16 days worth of champix taken and a deep sense of desperation to not be a smoker - with no idea how to achieve that. I never really realized it was as simple as just not smoking. I don't really know why, it seems glaringly obvious doesn't it?! I could do an oscar worthy speech of who to thank but you know who you are, thank you.
     
    I decided to set a new adventure on the same date as it was so successful for taking my life back 2 years ago. So tomorrow I move to a new house. The timing is not lost on me, the quit gave me the strength to change so many things in my life.
     
    I didn't understand how much smoking controlled every aspect of my life, I feel like I lived a lie for ALL of my adult life. Everything revolved around when I could and couldn't smoke. Not to mention my money situation was in dire straits. I wish we could genuinely convey to fresh quitters the strength this journey will give you. Yes, once upon a time it was "I quit smoking, I can do anything now" but it isn't like that today. Today it isn't like that. I now feel like if I put my mind to it, anything is possible and I am happier for feeling like that and for being free of the ties of nicotine addiction that I really had to finally admit was always going to be part of me.
     
    Not one puff ever or thousands will follow it but I'm good with that now, I'm too busy living and spending with what truly feels like a new found freedom - I don't think it will ever get old for me.
     
    Much love. xx
  9. Still winning
    I have been sitting wondering why, why did I become a smoker and how. The word that has sprung to mind all through my quit is insidious! I never "meant" to be a smoker. I didn't "choose" it and yet I ended up at an average of 2 packs per day by age 38, from a first cigarette starting point of age 9.
     
    Age 9, I stole a cig from my mums packet. I don't even remember why. My parents were still together, home life was suspicious but I don't know why I did it. I took it to the shed, took some puffs and it was terrible! I remember deep wracking coughs and extreme dizziness. I put it out and went back to that same cig, relighting it on and off. Occassionally stealing the next one but nothing consistent.
     
    By age 12 I was smoking one a day. After school in my bedroom (the whole house always reeked of smoke from my Mum). We had not long returned from living abroad, I had not smoked in Australia for the 6 months. I think I can pinpoint THIS as the time I became addicted. I had heard from my parents that they "needed" a cig, I associated it with being a grown up and stress relief. My parents had split whilst we were abroad. I now understand my dopamine pathways were reliant on nicotine to reset it's flight or flight path. While I was still a baby really, my brain had started to build in smoking as a coping mechanism, I had bought into the hype at such a tender age. Even on that one a day I could feel the difference if I was late home to smoke.
     
    Age 13 I dated a guy who smoked. I was a malboro red smoker. They still made me cough. Every time we would meet up I would smoke between 5 and 10 in a day. At some point of this year I started to take my cigs into school and smoke in the breaks, I did this alone, none of my school friends smoked! Let's be clear here, my addiction was fully fledged now. I honestly didn't realize or have any knowledge of nicotine as an addiction. Most of the adults in my life smoked, except my Dad who had quit. They all knew I smoked, no one tried to stop me or explain any bad things that could happen. By now my brain would have needed nicotine anyway. That relief sensation that I believed was given by nicotine was simply my pathways receiving the nicotine they had been trained to believe they needed now. My whole brain had re-wired itself to dispose of the chemicals and nicotine. I started a little baby cough. Especially if I laughed and on waking.
     
    Age 15 I moved school. Fell in with other smokers/kids who skipped school and it spiraled from there. I still did well enough at school despite often being out and about. Smoking was socially acceptable, the only person not smoking was my Dad and he had started to whinge. I believed I chose to smoke, after all I never did anything I didn't want to!
     
    Age 24 I needed to quit. I wanted to buy a house and my then fella quit. He told me he didn't expect me to be able to quit - pfft - I quit because I insisted on proving I could if I wanted. Man that was hard!! Started to educate myself on the damage I had done from a similar type of forum but internet was still pretty new and they cancelled the server at work before my quit had "set". We split up a year later, 6 months from my wedding date. It was a shock! I went to buy cigs to light in front of the wardrobe that held his clothes. I got an ashtray (I kept for visitors) lit the cig without inhaling and set it in the ashtray with the wardrobe doors open and sat beside it to wait for the smell to get strong, the smell took me over and I picked it up and smoked it whilst blowing the smoke onto the clothes. This is the story I have always told myself but now I will re-write it! I did not have a 364 day quit, I had simply abstained! The act of buying cigs would be enough now to have me screaming "junkie thinking" and of course deep down I know I would always have smoked that cigarette. In truth, that quit related to being with someone and from the moment that changed I took myself on a misguided path back to being a smoker. That lasted 14 years!
     
    Age 39 So today I have a 7 month quit. I wonder why I get thought associations at times but still feel cautiously (eternal vigilance) safe in my quit. So today I understand that I chose this quit for me and my girls. I chose for the girls first off but at some point that changed to me. I don't miss anything about smoking, even when my addicted now re-wired brain tells me I could or should be a smoker in this scenario. I fully understand my addiction could be re-awakened if I were ever crazy enough to pick up and inhale or use nicotine again in any format and I choose not to do that.
     
    I can never completely undo the damage I did. That is my penance for stupidity and lack of education but it is no excuse from now and hasn't been for some time. I will protect my brain by understanding the associations and why they happen and my body will be protected by a nope philosophy that I will need to engage for my whole life. Thank you brain for trying so desperately to cope and rewire to enable the damage but we are ok to move on now, when you're ready.
  10. Still winning
    6054 unsmoked cigarettes when I just posted something. That's just a save on so many levels!!
     
    There are a lot of new quitters I'm reading and some great advice being given. Wish I had of followed any of it haha. Claw through quitter, take a bow :) Many a mental moment, throwing my hands skywards and saying for Milly and I. The nope shuffle, switch from foot to foot literally saying nope nope nope. Should of taken shares in cough sweets and nobbys nut for sure...utter miss in planning :)
     
    I read that some people struggled at 6 months, I mean not like the early days but just more thoughts than 4/5 months sorta thing. Not my experience thank goodness. Feeling together and powerful. 5 months was utter pants for me on a personal level which of course upped my thoughts then - maybe I got it out the way? Happy and content with my quit. Peaceful again, secure, utterly delighted to not have smoked another 6000+ cigs.
     
    I look at who I am today and it's so different. I love to exercise. I love to do things with my kids, out and about and I can, because I have more money! My confidence is such that I can say no in a non aggressive way and it just is no. I was a slave for 23 years to nicotine and in honesty, I never realized how totally it controlled me. How it controlled my life, the movements of my life, the money in my life...every part of who I was had become tied to when I could smoke. I do love me a bit of freedom, especially when I never even realized that would come!!
     
    Less then a month to taking Milly and Bella on the holiday of a lifetime to Florida. 5 day disney tickets booked and paid. 2 day universal tickets booked and paid. rocket launch at kennedy space centre booked and paid....because we don't smoke anymore, because we are free of the tie and chose NOPE as many times as it took.
     
    Bring on any thoughts or craves, I have enough amo now that I can bat you back out of my brain within seconds. I breath, I live, I have money, I have self worth...life is pretty freakin good!!
  11. Still winning

    What a year!!

    By Still winning,

    1 year and 1 day ago I wrote something on a support forum. I had no idea where it came from, I am a strong woman for sure, but this sounded like it had unending strength to "get er done" and I didn't have that for quitting! I had tried and failed many times from July through to last March, all roads led back to smoking. Social, weekend, less than a pack, more than before - all smoking! In truth I desperately wanted the quit...I just didn't know how not to be a smoker! By the time I got to a board I was depserate, confused, exhausted with trying and failing and assuming, if I'm truthful, that it would all end in dying of smoking eventually! So then when I wrote this I felt like I unearthed some real magic from somewhere I hadn't had access to in myself before:
     
    10pm, March 11 2014:
    My champix is taken and my quit date set, I have literally tried all other options and this is my last one. However my partner and mother both smoke. My Mum is disabled and has copd so can't actually get outside to smoke. It's not an excuse because I will no longer let it be but I failed previously because there are always going to be cigs around the house, that's not changing for now so I must have a better plan....but if I quit, maybe they will too??
    Either way I would appreciate any tips, or things that really helped you if you think it could help me. I want this sooo badly as does my 8 year old daughter, I've gone from 30-40 to around 10 per day since preparing myself but I know the road is tough. So what helped you?? I genuinely want this to be the end and am prepared to go through whatever it takes now. Thank you. x
     
    As I waited for the (mixed) responses to come in I lit my last cigarette that I will ever smoke. Answers ranged from "suck it up buttercup" (gee thanks), to "you got this" (do they even know how many failures I have, well no) to "just jump". That last gem stuck with me, I mean there's a nike ad saying just do it isn't there. What would happen if I just jumped!! It's not really me, I am a planner. I was already on champix, had tried patches, mega allergies and fights to get the champix yada yada...I'm a planner :) So what could actually go wrong if I jumped? Now I was really thinking, what about if I jumped and just here on the forum gave people the real me, the stories as they unfolded, utterly unheard of.. I am the queen of repression and hide everything so I look strong, so this was all new. But it felt like the whole journey had to be real and that for the first time, I would let people help me and not be so independent. I tried to light a "final farewell cigarette" the next morning, and couldn't do it. I put it out and mentally dug in.
     
    So I started a really crazy journey. I took a bit from here and a bit from there. Quitting is a journey, not an event. SNOT, grimness, but means smoking is not on the table...if it's not what can I do instead, I spent a lot of time smoking. NOPE not one puff ever...oh thank gods, someone added just for today in little words, forever was far too huge for me, I was struggling minute by minute! No one is more addicted, we are all addicts - no likey! I am not an addict I am a very strong woman...oh, will ya look at that, seems I'm an addict...and then the acceptance, brutal as it was. I visualized a smoke free me, I chanted, I switched from foot to foot shouting nope...I was an all fired nut job haha...but I was a non smoking nutter, so all good. Whyquit imagine if I was one of those who died young, I imagined telling my kids. I read horror stories and sobbed, I got really friggin real about what I was doing to myself and what a selfish tit I'd been.
     
    Then came the deeper understandings. I cried the day I realized I would never have "just one" again. It felt like a grieving moment. I knew it was sick, but it was hard for me. I hated the cravings/triggers, how very dare they try and come for me, I raged, I cried (A LOT) and one godawful night in April some precious folk talked me down off the most horrible emotional ledge, I still cry if I read my own SOS from back then. I felt like I literally was in battle with myself.
     
    In hindsight, I made it much harder for myself than it needed to be. Once I understood that, that I was already a non smoker, there was no fight, there was just day to day (really thank you Stu) then it got easier. As I stopped being scared I wasn't medicating my emotions with nicotine or repression and allowed myself to feel them and not be afraid to go through them, I got stronger. I let the most wonderful man ever talk to me like I was worthwhile as a person, not just the strong one who copes and felt validity in all I felt. I am honest in saying he saved my life, I know some of my strength was borrowed. So then, if I was now real, and free then I needed to test it, so I added exercise and loved that too! I still like burgers far too much but all healthy is too much for now lol.
     
    I had the money to holiday and extend my skills for a potential spiritual business. But more than that, I started to believe if I wanted it and worked at it, I could actually achieve anything, well maybe apart from being an astronaut, that ship sailed I guess but mostly anything else. As I stopped being fake and strong for everyone the fight back around me was immense. As numbers of people tried to "put the lid back on the box" but it was too late. I was proud of who I was and what I had done in my life, but also confident that I was worthwhile and carried a value that few around me had ever given. Some stood with me, some dissapeared and some fought. I still fight but I carry strength and support from a powerful journey. So I do say, if you do the journey the hard way, there's still value in it and all roads lead to rome.
     
    So 1 heartwrenching SOS and 2 serious wobbles where thoughts of my buddy carried me through, I had given my word and I never break a promise. From desperate worries about whether I was even a likable if my own mother was so crazy mean to me were met with adoption from Nancy via chat. A throwaway support line made me stand back up and re commit to my journey. All the way through this board people have been throwing me a rope and helping me, mostly never knowing how much and I can only aspire to be half as lovely and supportive as some here.
     
    Wow, feeling chatty I guess!
     
    So my advice is trust and post. Believe and visualize yourself in the place you want to be and then backtrack back to one day, one moment at a time and let your sheer strength of self belief start to grow. It's about being the person you were always meant to be as much as it's about not being a smoker anymore and maybe trust in a little magic because it's everywhere. Magic in the deep breaths I can take, and the stamina I now carry. The strength of will and the gentle support I will offer as others did to me.
     
    I will always carry with me the eureka moment of a post by Markus though, no quitter is stronger than another. It's the vigilant quit that survives. This makes sense, the person who is aware of all their addictions and has learnt what that means will keep themselves alert to potential danger times. More than that look the addiction square in the eye and batter it down...
     
    Marti, 1 - Addiction, shush now your got nothing that can make me give up this freedom!!
  12. Still winning
    Shhh, I feel ok *looks left and right for the easy peasy crew* haha. I don't smoke, 6 other people don't smoke now because I showed it could be done. Of course they were considering it anyway, isn't every smoker considering quitting. Where I am today is where I could only dream of being before and I fully respect that and hold onto it.
     
    Things have really been getting to me lately. I have felt massively overwhelmed, as such some of my posts might have seemed a bit sad, that's life tho. I won't pretend to be something I'm not and I refuse to be fake. My support for the people here has been unwavering, of course it always will be. The rest of my life has seen yet another hermit month, where I regroup. I'm sure the swear thread has been fully utilized! Sometimes I wish the journey wasn't so hard, but it's only through the tough times of my life that true enlightenment or the next stage, whatever you call it, comes to light.
     
    I like that through the last month when I consider smoking it is easy to dismiss the thought. I mean I get the right royal hump I have the thoughts, but that mental baseball bat is dead handy! Getting some violence about this quittin malarky lol.
     
    I get what the easy crew are saying now. It isn't that quittin is a walk in the park, it's how you aim your mind. I fear I did this the hard way again, shocker!! So I stand (sit, it's been a long day!) and say this - henceforth, I am going to do all in my power to be happier.
     
    Aside from that, new plan, live my life the way I want too. At the risk of sounding like a dodgy song, I am what I am, like it or lump it. I have too much self worth to be trodden down now, too much confidence to be afraid of being judged. They can do what they want and say what they want. I am really ok. It's taken a while. And a few people. And a shedload of people telling me I am worthwhile.
     
    This here train will never know what they did for me and I will pay it forward with all I'm worth. In the interim I feel 6 months is a real turning point for me. I was waiting for it and I do defo feel calmer today then I did a week ago. Don't matter tho, no matter what I'm a non smoker :)
     
    Non smoker, sounds pretty cool to me. Missed my peace of 4 months, feel like it's ready to settle on me again and I'm more than ready. BOOM!!
  13. Still winning

    Who am I?

    By Still winning,

    Markus Quote:
    And so you too will become exactly what you seek if you so choose it. You will lose yourself as you are, and become who you were meant to be, a free person. But, it comes at a price, and we have all had to pay it. You have to leave yourself behind to find yourself anew.
     
    Thank you for the mention of change. Sometimes I doubted it, with all the talk of the same person. For me, no, I am not the same.
     
    Possibly, it's the jet lag, or the OCD of machinery breaking, it's certainly making me feel jaded to life the no washing machine or dishwasher (how unfair for both to screw up together).
     
    The strange thing though, it makes me think how did I quit smoking...I chose a new way to be!! I read what folks were posting and thought, I want that, I can be that, and didn't light another cigarette that I was able to smoke!! I did light one but decided no, this was my quit day and put it out :) How mad is that!! I keep a lighter to light my candle but not a cigarette. That sh*t harms you and I don't want to die like I've seen around me! Lung cancer hurts, you grind your teeth and they disintergrate! Wow, that looks bad. COPD and heart failure, I live with these and it hurts my soul.
     
    I will fight!! I won't show my girls this!! I am pleased to have others who will fight with me so thank you.
     
    If you ever wonder is it worth it, this battle...then yes it is. I grew up watching people suffer and I draw the line here with you guys. I only wish we could influence more people.
     
    x
  14. Still winning

    Almost 7 months

    By Still winning,

    This has been a tough week. It's tuesday! That probably says a lot. And my weird will be in this blog, if it offends please see "ra ra" type posts in the main arena!
     
    I don't understand why I think of smoking when things become tricky. Although it has been my "go to" for my whole adult life, I started to smoke at 13. I had my first at age 9 - the age my oldest daughter is now!! She's a baby!! I can't believe no one noticed me, and yet if you met those I "care for" you'd understand the self obsession that meant they missed any potential signs for me. I must remember now I think to ensure I am seperate, and really try not to let these people invade my "better place" space.
     
    Today I faced down for the first time people judging those who are spiritual. Apparently we are all flower power hippies with no life plan lol. Wow! At the "what do you do" question I squared my shoulders and said I'm a hippy...in leggins...who channels stuff like healing...I think your nurse training is awesome...I just signed up to reiki cancer patients for an hour a week and help them through a gift I was given...and I wear crystals and heal with them cause I'm moved to do that. I just want to make lives better and I love that I'm given that opportunity all the time! Cue tumbleweed!!
     
    I wish I was that spiritual person who didn't think, wow, you're a bit of a twat aren't you and really did wear loose fitting clothing cause that would of been handy with the extra quit weight I claimed via peanuts!! And then I really started to think later. There was a time, almost months ago that I would have said nothing! I wouldn't have defended myself and my life choices even though I considered myself a really strong woman. It reminded me what my quit has given me in the self worth camp and despite a bitchin couple of days I am happier in myself now then I have ever been. I can attribute a great part of that to here and a freedom to just "be me unjudged" and a strength in fighting addiction and being victorious. Yes, I "just know" I am done.
     
    I won't consider smoking anymore, SNOT, no longer an option! I can't heal if I stink, end of story. But jeez, I wonder why the thoughts still come and if they will ever end although I offer up eternal gratitude at the fleeting nature compared to the early quit thoughts which were so intense they owned me! I read of symptoms of the quit, so many I wasn't sure they were even all quit related until now really, wow, I abused my poor body in an epic manner!!
     
    So for me. For all behind and in front of me. I know now. Smoking really never fixed a thing. I will help whomever I can and I will be greatful for a place that accepted me for who I was, warts an all. (really no warts, cross fingers and all that). Forgive the inane ramblings but it is my blog and it helps to write all the crazy down sometimes! And not smoke, that helped me too. Wednesday will be better is all. Loves to all.
  15. Still winning
    Not my style, not my way but I think I just done wallowed the last two weeks of my life away? Sad, unhappy, over thinking, questioning myself, my life, my parenting - but not my quit. I love that bit by the way, even when life feels like it utterly sucks balls for no apparent reason my quit is still in the "oh yeah, doin it" section. August was the most abhorent, scary emotional month I have seen in some time. I am utterly jaded but re grouping.
     
    I am brutalized I was too unwell to complete my healing module in the legitamate "insurance" world. FFS, I have been using my skills since before I knew what the skills were!! - and I can't practice in the real world due to insurance?! Why has my path gotta put so many road blocks in the way to make me always think I'm missing something I need to know. Meh, sucky stupid timings.
     
    So, phew. Ok, it's time to put my childish thoughts behind me. It's my birth month :) The time where I reset my year, my year by the way, i get the january the 1st thing but I think at your birthday, you should do a life review and set in motion your plans for your next year. SO .... By this time next year I want to have clients, who I can lay my (non smoking YEY) hands on and help. I need to start working on a "proper job" skill set and I still have no clue, but 7 days left.
     
    So if now, when my baby girl starts full time school (mortified). And my Mum is still utterly scared but possibly closet smoking again (div). And the world feels like it is testing me - if now - my quit is in safe hands.... then I'm going to assume that even though I have an occasional thought to smoke that I'm all good and not worry anymore. I love that I can pay it forward though, that's so fab! 11 days until 6 months quit!! Multiple quits inspired by mine!! New friends!! I don't know why I spent a month uneasy?? It's as great as it always was :) A blocked path is not a roadblock, it's an opportunity to know more. Stay focused.
     
    Quitting is a journey, not an event. Eternal vigilance. Addiction. All true, but look at the strength that surrounds this site, these people. This is a great time to be here and it feels amazing to pay it forward. I think I will be happy about it for a while.
     
    PS, I may have had a wine, thus promtping such happiness lol, but still, it's pretty cool being a small part of this place that saves people and heals them :)
     
    x
  16. Still winning
    I haven't planned a treat!! I did a big celebrational thing for 10,000 not smoked recently but this month feels anti climatic. In a good way I suppose, the quit is a done deal like I said...the cravings are gone...I have a thought and think nah, and carry on with my life.
     
    I am lovin the newbies though. They don't post so much though hey, I think that's kinda sad. I remember with fondness some totally pointless and random posts I put in social when I should have just posted please tell me I will be ok :) Although I do really like the daisy perfume thing i was recommended and I'm fairly hopeful my cruddy menopausal (how mean, just after I quit too) skin will benefit from sharons obsession with pricey make up haha.
     
    Perhaps I'm just a bit jaded for now. Youngest is poorly, so am I. I really want to say to my insane mother "oh your crazy is showing, might wanna tuck that in again" but I know I have to be the bigger person. I say this because at 364 day quit 14 years ago, I used an emotional situation to career off the quit wagon and I haven't forgotten. In honesty months 8/9 ish I worried about it, I mean life was getting tough...jeez, what if it happened again. Now I know it won't and I'm quite relieved to be honest. Relieved that I'm sure I mean.
     
    So 11 months.... I wish a lot of things were different in my life. The quit is not one of them thank goodness. The quit gave me the kick I needed for self respect and to stop burying my head in the emotional sand and I will be forever grateful to all who helped me. Ultimately I have gained so many parts of my life back, most of which I never suspected.
     
    I don't miss the emotional tears from nowhere. I don't miss the doubts of whether a smoker like me could even pull this off when so many made "there there" noises to me. I don't miss the wondering what to do next or thinking I will have a smoke then do xyz...oh I don't smoke. I don't miss getting in the car and having a moment. I don't miss the sad feeling I got when I finally connected that smoking was a cycle and I could never do that again, like it was some psychotic best buddy. I don't miss the false thinking that smoking calmed me...
     
    I quit for financial reasons, that's what makes me laugh. I quit so I could go to Florida with my kids, which turned into the biggest nightmare holiday ever with my crazy mother. The money is good, don't get me wrong. The pride I feel is EPIC and I didn't see that coming.
     
    So maybe for 11 months I can just "be" and not celebrate really. Just enjoy who I am. Who I was always meant to be!! Before smoking took the biggest part of me and made me some crazy addict who did nothing lest it took up smoking time. I really like who I am now ya know, even if not everyone agrees. That's ok. That is my celebration i think...that I am the best Marti I can be today and I am smoke free. Still inspiring others to quit. Still healing people as I was always meant to and a deeper and more spiritual connection to my life than I could have ever imagined.
     
    I shall call this quit a good quit :)
     
    Love to all.
     
    x
  17. Still winning

    I just know

    By Still winning,

    I've had a wine or 5. At times like these I like to write, I find myself more honest when inbetween sober and tipsy.
     
    I'm close to 10K not smoked. I'm marking time waiting for it if I'm honest. I really want to get there and "get er done".
     
    I really have to push myself to think of smoking now. I mean, I can't imagine a scenario that means I would fall off the wagon.
     
    My quit is comfortable now. Not to say I never have a thought, I do, but it never overtakes me anymore. I just know this quit is safe. Ipay it forward, for sure, but I choose to do that as much as I choose to not smoke. Reading a newby journal (thanks oneistoo) has cemented where I am, as has my quit buddy hitting a year and messaging me saying "I fell off last night" as a joke to highlight my previous faux pas. That is what I did, 364 days and boom, carnage. Never again! I am stronger than all of that.
     
    I will stay quit cause I choose that. I will choose freedom from toxic people because I choose that too. I will fight for who I am because actually, I know that now and that makes me smile. Do you know I am raising strong independant and powerful women...and I'm not sure I even knew I was to lead by example, but it's all good...I am!
     
    I weirdly find that I can do whatever is needed and I can do it smoke free. My newest Jen was surprised my situation didn't cause a crave but it really doesn't. No matter what my life throws at me I choose the freedom from nicotine. It's not even an option anymore, it has been a done deal for a while.
     
    It feels good to finally write...my quit is properly done. Just here making up the numbers now :)
  18. Still winning

    What's going on?

    By Still winning,

    It's all a bit hairy in the wonderful world at the moment. At the risk of "engaging my weird", I know the energy is off kilter at the moment and everyone's feeling pretty insecure, I guess I'm no exception.
     
    Quitting: Well that's two who have fallen off that I have cried real hard tears for. I panicked, what if that was me later?? My advice upon more tears from my fella was "you really must stop getting SO involved with everybody". My quit buddy's advice was I'm an "unhinged psycho and my quit is fine, if I fail he will drive and smack me in the nose". Perfect haha. Jeez I need some softer people in my sphere :) But actually I like it, keepin it real with a scottish bloke and a london bloke...gotta be done.
     
    Home: My Mum continues to panic at every little thing. She is struggling with her quit and nearly smoked at the weekend. Out with smoking friends and one offered her a cig and she says it was nearly at her mouth before she gave it back and said no. But more then that she is plain scared all the time. I don't even know how I'm doing this, I'm bloody scared and I have to pretend to be fine and make sure everyones needs are catered for, she is no exception. Chasing medical reports and information and it's draining me. I know that sounds selfish but it is what it is.
     
    Children: Summer holidays and my eldest continues to resemble "kevin the teenager". I'm so sad. I utterly adore this child, she lights up my days and her sister makes me smile and laugh. They bring more to me then I think then I can to them, although a Mum who completely adores them no matter who they are is surely a powerful thing. I had to conform as a child, always, and it broke my spirit for a long time. Mine at least don't have that.
     
    Weird Convo: I am the last of my real sisters to quit. One was round today and says since her 5 year quit she has had 6 cigs, in fact once buying a pack pissed as a fart and only smoking one as it made her feel so sick! What?! How on earth can she do that. I genuinely do not want to smoke but am under no illusion... a puff away from a pack a day could have been written for me! I really don't understand testing yourself like that and I am super pleased she was able to do that and walk away again but NO WAY for me, not now not ever. I am freaked she tested herself at all.
     
    So although I KNOW I'm ok, my life is still the happy place it was and on the path I chose - well I feel a little "meh" about it all. Not exclusive to quitting, this week just feels like hard work.
     
    So if you feel a little odd too then I guess we just shouldn't worry. It's a crazy week.
     
    With all of that, with how hard it all feels for no apparent reason at the moment - My quit continues to make me happy. M yquit continues to be as secure as I can make it with the eternal vigilance that Markus wrote of and Bandit reminded me of. Those who succeed don't always make it because it was easy for them... we make it because we know we are addicts who cannot succumb! I'm a non smoker havin a tough week is all.
  19. Still winning

    8 Months today.

    By Still winning,

    8 months seems utterly amazing to me!! This last month has taught me quite a bit about my quit.
     
    I went on the holiday of a lifetime. One of the main factors of me quitting was affording to go to Florida and Disneyworld with my two kids. I think with the holiday being paid for and actually being on holiday it set up some triggers. I was able to use all I had learnt with you guys here to nope through it, in honesty, once recognised it wasn't difficult.
     
    Sadly my Mum didn't do the same. Having already smoked a couple of times prior to the holiday, she purchased cigs at the airport (unknown to me at the time) and smoked here and there through the holiday. Once busted the usual aggressive behavior, both of her and of all smokers commenced. She spent the whole holiday creating stressful scenarios so she had an excuse to smoke I believe (I'm sure she thinks differently). Be eternally vigilant, there is no need to go backwards!!!
     
    Whilst that's sad, I said from the word go on this quit that my quit stood alone from everyone else around me. If anything it re-inforced my decision cause oh my goodness, the mood swings from the withdrawal were fairly epic to watch. I had forgotten what's it like when you get to that desperate to have a cig time but aren't able to. I also realized last month how many quit symptoms I had and had forgotten about. Isn't the human brain a wonderful tool! It almost feels like I never smoked at all to me. I was genuinely surprised to get triggers as most days, my only smoking thoughts are about celebrations here and the like.
     
    Last month I needed talking down from a couple of days romancing. This month on holiday for fleeting seconds I got some smokers envy but I mean seconds before my rational brain took back over and it was easy to nope from.
     
    And I met Bakons :) Was great to meet up and chat like we'd all been mates forever!
     
    So despite concerns I had that once my main reason was over(the hols) that my quit might feel harder, it doesn't. I love that I had so much saved that I came home to a healthy bank account and additional savings ready for christmas purchases :) I also had the money to pay for all my healing courses and now the insurance so I can be fully registered and start offering reiki healing for a fee. Work commences on now getting my tarot reading registered and actually, I still have some work to do for that so maybe a few months. But all is looking on target for a spiritual business to look forward to. Something that may sound odd to some, but was always a part of me and part of me yearned to do it without ever believing I really could.
     
    The quit and my self belief have spurred me on in many unforseen ways :) So today I am 8 months free of nicotine but feeling more positive and focused. More regulated and solid in my quit. Ready to go back to my new love of excersicing now I'm back home, maybe join a gym with my spare money? Gonna get christmas paid for and some new furniture first though. So lovely to breath nicely and not be permanantly poor and watching the pennies!!
  20. Still winning
    I am at no risk of smoking still, that's good but I am bored senseless of this inane internal drivel, could smoke/don't smoke, that goes through my head every day. I don't even know how I would explain it but I still have the same thoughts of times when I would smoke. For sure they are less frequent then they were. For definate they are not the gut wrenching craves of days gone by and haven't been for a long time. Just like a fly really that keeps buzzing around you and getting right on your last nerve. I would smoke here, yeah but you don't smoke anymore, yeah but I did and I could, but I don't want to ... and so on.
     
    I am certain I do not want to smoke, absolutely sure that it holds nothing for me.... I tried to be every type of smoker, social, evenings only, weekends etc and in each dismal attempt it led me to here, to this place that says "I am very good at smoking, NOPE is my only option". I know this, I actually feel relief at this, it's honestly easier for me not to smoke anymore than to try and cut down, or wait with that buzzing of want being so very loud...this is honestly much easier.
     
    So why doesn't it seem to shut up??
     
    That voice..
     
    I faced it down and it's getting right on my nerves now. I could understand if there was even a small chance that I wanted to or would smoke, but there's really not. If it was an an actual fly buzzing around I'd be going Mr Miyagi on his sorry butt right about now!!
     
    Really bored, are we there yet!!
  21. Still winning

    9 month thoughts

    By Still winning,

    It was simply time. I had run out of excuses as to why I couldn't. Tried being every type of smoker and relapsed at a rate that would scare you silly. Every single person in my life wanted me to quit. Some to help them quit too, most because they worried for me. I would smoke 30-40 per day, indoors or out socialising. Every day! My quit is a bit of a non entity to me now. I almost think that can be a bit sad, so I make sure I celebrate myself so I never forget what was for me, a battle that I continue to win. New hairdo for me later today :)
     
    I never forget - My chest hurt, I was often ill with the kids, bugs from school and such. My cough was terrifying, but not to me then. I couldn't really laugh too much, it made me cough. I simply can't believe that I accepted all of that and didn't fight sooner? I still worry about my previous world record of quitting smoking at 364 days when I relapsed through emotional drama. Jeez, what a numpty!
     
    Now, I miss having a crutch. Yes it was smoking, but by my choice, not any more. I work out a lot and I am still learning new things daily and planning more training. I would have laughed at you even 6 months ago if you told me the way I would manage my stress and mood levels would be yoga or pilates...yet I do them most days now and do genuinely benefit!! I can see me having an alternatively type of career that I would not have had the confidence for, but I am perhaps not as close as I hoped I was ...but that's ok, I trust I can get there, when it's the right time :)
     
    So 9 months for me is more an ongoing journey of self discovery but it isn't the crave/trigger infested times of days gone by and I am forever greatful that ended and I was able to trust other folks here that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I won't lie, thoughts do pop in my head, sometimes they feel like they "take hold" a little and I need support to get them gone - but I have that support, so I'm pretty lucky. Health wise, I feel good overall. I am in good health and recover from every illness quicker, but that took me 4/5 months to get too - so I am noticing it now. I am much stronger, faster and far more emotionally resiliant too. I grew in ways I never could have anticipated.
     
    Now I am just going to continue with my vigilance and try and simplify more of my life. I really want a peaceful life, as much as I can and thanks to my quit I feel justified to pursue things that make me feel good.
  22. Still winning
    My champix is taken and my quit date set, I have literally tried all other options and this is my last one. However my partner and mother both smoke. My Mum is disabled and has copd so can't actually get outside to smoke. It's not an excuse because I will no longer let it be but I failed previously because there are always going to be cigs around the house, that's not changing for now so I must have a better plan....but if I quit, maybe they will too??
    Either way I would appreciate any tips, or things that really helped you if you think it could help me. I want this sooo badly as does my 8 year old daughter, I've gone from 30-40 to around 10 per day since preparing myself but I know the road is tough. So what helped you?? I genuinely want this to be the end and am prepared to go through whatever it takes now. Thank you. x
    Posted 12 March 2014 - 11:05 AM
    Genuinely, planned it all, felt different and more determined but I could of said that a million time and on a million quits. Woke up, lit a cigarette for my "final farewell" (yes I know, it's dramatic but somehow I made smoking dramatic) went to inhale, couldn't do it and put it out and walked away! Today is my quit day, I don't want to smoke. Feel a bit shaky, nerves/nicotine/not eaten yet, been awake two hours now. Am sipping water and drinking tea and reading reading reading on this site.
     
    I get it today, you have to want to not smoke, more than you want to smoke. Hell I hope it lasts and I feel like this forever!! However I'm going to take it one dayat a time, so today I'm not going to smoke.
     
     
    Posted 13 March 2014 - 09:57 PM
    Almost through day 2!! Have used all my sad stories to try and help others not smoke, I know you guys will do this for me somehow, hopefully that day won't come... But if it does come to that, remind me of each and every one, and post a picture of a copd cough or oxygen tank.
     
    So I celebrated with the biggest baddest burger EVER! And garlic sauce, I smell worse than the smokers here right about now.
     
    The chimney fella has actually made it home tonight, the chimney mother is cuffing her 60 per day and I AM DOING IT, not chuffing away you understand haha, I'm not! Today has been tough. I am so restless. I keep thinking I'll have a cig and then do xyz...but I don't smoke anymore, very bizarre. It's 9pm now, last night I only made it till half past before I was shattered but i followed my body's instructions and protected my freshly born quit and now I'm nearly there again and sure I will make it for today at least. One day at a time, every day is new. I DESERVE this quit, I want it, I own it. In a nutshell I feel a bit nuts and very emotional and I hate the side effects of this champix - but it's happening, and I feel super proud. And nuts...really nuts, how soon for coming off the champix lol.
     
     
    Posted 14 March 2014 - 07:41 PM
    day 3 has confused the hell out of me. I have no idea where my behind is in relation to my elbow (jeez, no swearing makes my life pretty tricky!). So the confusion... I still don't know what is the champix, what is nicotine withdrawal, what is me?? Even my 8 year old Milly said to me today Mum, one minute you're hyper, the next minute you're grumpy, I can't keep up!! She's right, I am up and down like a lady of the nights underwear!!
     
    I'm not smoking though, I still don't want to. Tomorrow is my fella's birthday, he and 6 of his smoking buddy's are round my house. I asked to stay in rather than pub it...I think it'll be easier on home turf and if I need to take myself away I can, rather than in a pub cause then I'm stuck. Desperately trying to plan and came up with this with my sister saying that line to her, this is the easiest and the hardest thing I've done. I still can't believe I did it all before for nothing, but that's the past and this is now and my future. See the pep talk lol, today has been a constant pep talk for myself.... and I don't get it at all but it just is I guess, I know there's so much worse to come too and trying not to panic whilst staying realistic and prepared!!
     
    BUT... get this. Last night Chris (my fella, or SO as you guys say now I know what it means lol) said I am inspirational to him and he's interested in getting some champix to try himself!! AND OMG my Mum (65 year old, proper lifer smoker, COPD, can't walk or breath but it's not the cigs you see, it's this illness.....) was talking to me about how I;m feeling and doing. I thought it was odd, she's not very sensitive and more than a little self obsessed bless her lol...went to a docs appt and made an appt with the smoking clinic for the end of the month!!!! I could cry I'm so happy, this is perfect...my quit is mine so is protected from quitting and failing with someone else...but they may try and that's amazing!!!
     
     
    Posted 16 March 2014 - 07:42 PM
    I am very fed up of the mood swings I'm having, it's not good for me or my gang. I am still unsure what's me and what's champix so I've stopped taking it today. It's day 5. I do struggle at times, not gonna lie, yesterday was a claw through day. I knew it wasn't my best idea but ended up going to the pub with my fella and his friends, it was harder being social and I will be careful and protect my quit a bit better in future - but it was my mans birthday so I didn't say no. Got too much later on when we were all back at my house, drinking and it got too hard, so rather than smoke I ran away and went to bed, lol, but I woke up not having smoked and now it's day 5 so a win Also day 3 was very confusing but through it all I know I don't want to smoke.
     
    So as of now, all of this is me...I feel I really need to understand where I stand. Did anyone else change tactics, don't want to stuff myself up here but I feel cold turkey, me and willpower is where it's at...but I truly want this quit to stick...I keep questioning my choice. I was on half dose of champix anyway?
    Posted 18 March 2014 - 11:32 AM
    Meh today sucks, I am doing a whole body shake thing on and off, so tempting to cheat but it's only me I'm cheating...and I don't want too, so I'm not sure why I keep wanting to smoke, when I don't want to smoke?? Everything and everyone is getting on my nerves, I get the ride it out and this too shall pass but wow, I don't even know why I'm feeling this or what to do to fill the gaps left by smoking (time wise I mean). My skin is on fire and so itchy too, especially my face and neck. I feel gluggy where I'm sipping water so often lol. Anyway I made a ticker to track progress, perhaps it will re-focus me. You know what else makes me sad, I still can't smell the smoke on my clothes or in my house - I know they still smoke here but I thought I would at least smell it?
     
     
    Posted 19 March 2014 - 06:08 PM
    So I'm going to put a diary thread here, a lot of people seem to be doing it and I think it's a great idea. I'm going here, even though I started my journey on champix but stopped it cause the side effects were pretty bad for me. That said I'd take it again given the choice as it got my head in a focused place and all the side effects in the world feel worth it to me if it's the last time I have to deal with them.
     
    Yesterday was a bad day, that and day 3/4 were pretty bad as in I had to claw through relentless cravings for what felt like hours. Today in contrast I feel really good and positive. I like that I get breaks, I need to remember the breaks are ok on the bad days! Part of why I'm writing a diary thread now, today is not too hard, there are cravings, I smile at them today?! You can't have me or hurt me today, you had a turn yesterday and didn't get me then either, I considered it but some good people kept me talking until it passed, thank goodness, I would have been gutted to fail this far in! I ran today too, like about 20 foot lol, to check if I could....didn't cough at all, wow, that's pretty amazing. Previously if you saw me run, you should run too as for sure, something would be chasing me!!! Happy today and have a sense of humour back which I like.
     
    Keep trying to find awful stories (smoking ones lol) to read and make myself read the whole thing. I am pretty much breaking my own heart as at my core I'm a pretty sensitive soul! None of those stories beat the one I listen to here day in day out with my mum and her copd, bad flare up at the moment and waiting to see if we can manage it through inhalers and tablets or move onto the next stage. She gives me this update whilst smoking, she's mad at herself, the only help now is to stop - so she smokes more...denial. I must educate myself at all costs to make sure I never go back to denial, never make my girls suffer the panic and fear I have with every wracking cough I hear... can she get her breath, would a drink help, inhaler?, and that moment I hear the breath in and we're ok again...
     
    So day 8 - do not smoke today, that's all, simples . (Oh and try and get my man to work out how this photo thing works cause I'm inept at technology haha.)
     
    Posted 20 March 2014 - 12:07 PM
    I can't help but think this, I think this is how I'm quitting. I have triggers going left right and center. I got smokers here, kids who won't eat, won't sleep, an ex who's a donut, a partner who limited my snacks so I don't get fat, denial by my mum, people telling me I'm cranky as a non smoker...I mean I have TRIGGERS!! Through it all I'm copping the hump (frequently) but knowing I won't smoke for two reasons....
     
    1. I will have to do this whole bit again cause duh, I don't want to smoke anymore
    2. I believe that one day I will not think about smoking and have a strong suspicion it will be about chilli flavour peanuts cause they're super yummy!
     
    Then I wonder if I'm kidding myself, in essence I'm just waiting till I don't feel like I'm being bulldozed by cigs, surely this is a rubbish plan?? Lol, not rubbish, but where's the empowerment, wheres the brass band trailing...and I wonder, am I missing a quit trick, cause if there is I want to know it so I can add it into my plan. Thank you.
     
     
    Posted 21 March 2014 - 07:09 PM
    I had a look at Bakon's diary, thanks for that Nancy, was really nice to see.
     
    So day 10, I now believe I'm doing it. The urges to smoke feel easy to dismiss, what seems to be the problem is what to do instead, so it got me thinking. By 13, I was smoking two a day, by 14 I was that kid with cigs at school hiding and smoking. It struck me, apart from one very protected year where I quit and then smoked again at the first sign of stress...I've never been an adult without smoking at a crutch?! That is literally unreal to think of!! I need to find a whole new coping mechanism, and pretty fast too as my life throws stress's through as a single mum and carer...I've always coped with everything by sitting down, smoke, think. I'm not sleeping well, it's taking about 3 hours to get to sleep (caffeine maybe, crazy thinking), everything goes round and round and I don't dare get up ...I used to have insomnia, I'd read and smoke. So I think it's good I worked it out, I can get to grips with putting new coping mechanisms in like deep breathing, walks, maybe some regular excersise. SO that's the bad stuff in a way.
     
    Apparently I'm forrest gump?? The other day I literally just felt like running, gave it a 20 foot blast to see if I could and I only could!! Bounding past other mystified parents on the school run having dropped my girls already, laughing my head of at the forrest gump thought and that I could do it! Brilliant, perked me right up... I forgot I used to actually like running. I did it for the county and a running club until 15, when I dropped out as I started to lose (smoking from 14). Food for thought and good ones.
     
    Physically I feel a bit shady. I'm still coughing a bit although nowhere near what it was. My skin, especially face and neck is on fire itchy at times and seriously this is not the teenage part I wanted to revisit with acne looking stuff, how's ya luck, would rather a perky bum again...huff! All a means to an end though I hope, I'll take it all if it means I am as free as I feel right now. By jove I think she's got it
     
    Fella was quit for a day, now decided he's a social smoker, wow, been there done that! It's all a journey, hopefully he'll gain strength. Mothers health going very downhill, literally terrified at the cough coming out of her the last two days. Keeping my brave face on, keeping some distance so she doesn't see the tears, she has enough to deal with. Harder than not smoking, much harder. But I'm not smoking and maybe just maybe it will inspire them one day...god I hope so, not even for me!
     
    So yeah, my life is still normal. It didn't stop and I didn't blow up yet, excellent news...well I might have Dunno what I was worried about since day 7, don't wanna smoke, don't smoke, do something else instead...not quite this easy peasy tho, wow, keep reading and learning and posting...maybe easy peasy later on
     
    Posted 23 March 2014 - 01:36 PM
    Did my usual 5 spray routine, it's almost a performance (1 each wrist and 3 around my neck). Nearly collapsed lol, bit potent!! Guess my sense of smell is better today and I'm now a 3 spritz only chick
     
     
    Posted 25 March 2014 - 07:51 PM
    So what that says really?? Last major crave at 7 days, struggled day 3/4 and day 7, made it through with this board so thank you all so much!! So now I'm at 2 weeks, fella gave up 6 days ago, my mum continues to smoke in the house like a trooper (and whinge and whine like one too lol) but I'm all cool. Any thought of smoking is quickly followed by a bemused why would I, it's more when triggers come up, not actual craves. I am super delighted to not be smoking and still be able to enjoy a lush glass or two of my home brew wine with no problems.
     
    I am not complacent, not me as I've stuffed up before...but I've not felt this sure and steady, and I peak earlier lol, failure prior day 3 always....so I'm worried it's in the post and coming later? I honestly don't know what to think, has anyone else had this, just so worried I'll relax and it'll come and slap me about the place??
     
    Still suffering terribly with skin itching and stinging but welcome the cleanse from the inside out, makes me feel positive and happy to see actual signs of healing I am also still in a clandestine affair with nobbys chilli nuts ( named wrongly on so many levels lol) and contemplating excersise due to my stomach making a bid for freedom over my jeans?! Oopsy!
     
     
    Posted 25 March 2014 - 07:41 PM
    2 weeks, wow, go me No really though, I'm totally doing this and I'm so so pleased!! I'm still bit*y lol, but only if you start it ... progress on last week haha. I can't believe some of the lunacy of week 1, I was shouting, shuffling, had many mantras and songs but it did the job. Last major cravings on day 7, this week has *touch wood* been fine actually. Craves were easily rejected with the simple thought of I don't want to or choose to smoke....it must be in the post I guess??
     
    Chris my fella now on day 6, funny to have seen him get crabby justbecause he is super calm always - was able to take the shut ups and mood swings with ease as I'm so chuffed he's doing this too.
     
    Still filling my extra time with cleaning really, thank goodness my family are lazy buggers who make a mess I guess haha, lots to do to fill my time I am so so happy to be a non smoker I just can't believe how easy it is at the moment! Have zero desire to smoke!
     
     
    Posted 26 March 2014 - 09:38 PM
    day 15, really busy day. Went to the natural history museum withmy two sisters and all 6 of our kids and partners. Realized on the train home at 5pm I hadn't thought of smoking once all day!! Remember that nerve wracking looking for smoking areas and wondering if you could break free from the group to go smoke - I had none of that for the first time ever on a family day trip. Frikkin marvelous it was
     
    Advising newbies has a by product of securing my quit as it secures my thought process. That's strange but great, I like to help people, it's what I do anyway.
     
    Still finding what the "new me" does when the old me used to smoke (the triggers) but no craves again. Just going to relax and enjoy the quit while it's being so good to me as per the advice on this board.
     
    Wondering if my mum will find another reason to cancel her smoke cessation appointment next week like she did this week and last... but pleased my quit is no longer impacted by anyone but me.
     
    Posted 28 March 2014 - 07:29 PM
    Nothing, not a crave worth a jot for days and today, I'm crying, emotional and just totally woman on the edge.
     
    Big row early hours of the morning - brain reminds me we smoke now - me reminds brain we breath and go to bed sulking instead now, ok fine.
     
    My mum proudly tells me my fella cheated and had a cig last night - brain reminds me we could smoke now - me reminds brain we dont smoke because we chose not too, nope.
     
    Pick up daughter from nursery, she's not right, it looks like the illness that had her hospitilized over new year, I'm scared and responsible, totally over whelmed, what if it is - brain WE SMOKE WE SMOKE WE SMOKE, breathing is not frikking cutting it here!!
     
    I can't go out and walk, I can't keep crying as I'll scare the kids, I have to stay in and watch for symptoms and even if it is, it will be ok, it's not fatal just lengthy recovery so need to keep perspective but I'm losing the plot here. What can I do instead please?
     
     
    Posted 28 March 2014 - 07:10 PM
    Day 17 has many many triggers - big argument with the fella and mum last night after coming in late and basically feeling attacked verbally. Think he smoked which does actually dissapoint me as I was grown up enough to run to bed.
     
    Today found out my little girl Bella may have her low immunity illness again, got diagnosed over a few days over new year but it's been calm till now. Right now I could smoke, I would love to be naive enough to be dumb, but I'm not so ....
     
    NOPE but what a sh*tstorm of two days, balls to this!
     
     
    Posted 29 March 2014 - 11:43 AM
    Day 18, calmer but still have that anxious feeling running through me, missing the lovely calm of days 8 to 15. Could be lack of sleep with the children of course lol. Kinda feel on edge generally and emotionally, no desire to smoke but thoughts end up there anyway, odd. Will keep close to the board and out of the smoking firing line here at home today I think and try and take an early night. Lol it's not even 11am and I'm planning bedtime but itkinda already feels like it's gonna be one of those long tough days.
     
    Planning a take away and watching hunger game film for this evening, time for a treat I think. I like to watch films more now I don't smoke as pausing them used to annoy me.
     
     
    Posted 30 March 2014 - 08:54 PM
    Aww you make me smile, you and action and ladybug andbuffycat and so many others... Thank you, the whole go me thing is lovely to hear between the normal pep talks here at my house lol.
     
    Mothers day, wow, 5 mothers in my house, only one smokes. I feel empowered and together again today. Still emotional, my Mum is being pretty unkind, it's almost like she's angry at me all the time, I do wonder if it's because I stopped smoking. Ah whatever. Still not smoking! Need excersize and healthy eating tho, had photo's today and wow, lard ass! haha. rethink on the eating...after this pack of chilli peanuts, day 18 or 19?? Meh, had a wine, going well anyway Hey, I am a non smoker!!!! That sounds so awesome!!
     
     
    Posted 31 March 2014 - 04:00 PM
    Day 20
     
    Thanks action, better day for her although she's angry and grumpy a lot, some comes my way as I'm the closest.
     
    Overall my thoughts are changing towards my mum though. I must admit as time goes on I'm becoming pretty angry that she is still smoking so much with COPD! almost like she must know it's making her so ill and it'll be up to me to nurse and look after her! I have brought her the Allen Carr book and her smoke cessation meeting is thursday this week so we shall see. Trying to just focus on me but it's hard.
     
    Chris my fella is cranky again after a relapse on thursday, hoping since it' after day 3 now again he may calm down. He's just on edge ya know and short. I guess you do the withdrawal from scratch every time you smoke even 1, or that's what it looks like on the outside looking in. He doesn't think so cause he's not like me apparently, because he just stopped when he wanted to stop...I guess the justification here is I couldn't just stop so used the chantix for 3 weeks? Anyway I laughed in my head a little and gently explained addiction, dunno what went in or not but whatever. Same as with Mum, my responsibility is to my quit, I can only show what can be done...not do it for him.
     
    I feel knackered, my kids are still both sick and I'm exhausted. Sitting around a lot today as I'm tired after days of this. Still feeling more emotional than I usually would, unsure of this is my new default setting? Time will tell. Peeved that my thoughts are so heavily on smoking, or rather not smoking as it's interupting the other things I want to concentrate on. I am finding it nigh on impossible to make the energy work connections that I do so have had to give up, I will try again at the weekend I think when I finally get a break. So that's my thoughts today, tired, emotional, not smoking...do not ever want to go through this quitting again, failure is not an option. Focus on the end goal! 20 days of being a non smoker though, that makes me smile.
     
    Posted 01 April 2014 - 07:23 PM
    I am up and down like a yoyo today. I am genuinely sorry too, I accidently misunderstood and upset someone on here today, and I'm now too worried to respond to any other threads in case I'm just "off kilter".
     
    Nothing really to say apart from wow, managing these emotions is really really hard. I feel like a mess the last few days and don't know how to shake it. One minute I'm fine, next minute I'm not.
     
    I'm sure it's wrong to say this but I miss having something that gave me space! I do not want or need to smoke but how I'm ever going to get a grip now I don't is beyond me!
     
     
    Posted 04 April 2014 - 01:32 PM
    Day 23, until day 21 was pretty emotional. Pleased I feel calmer now cause that was horrid. Basically cried my way through a week of my life?!! Chris gave up properly after his cheat so he's pretty cranky the last few days too lol, happy happy house! Still no desire to smoke which is re-assuring, well aware old me would have, new me respects her health and finances too much.
     
    Money saved has bought a deposit on a dishwasher...hoorah, I am no longer the dishwasher!!! Also £165 on passports for mum and my two daughters towards our florida holiday in October. Keeps me focused and happy to see where the money will be going
  23. Still winning

    nearly 8 months

    By Still winning,

    The time span amazes me. I don't think they know me, I can't quit?!
     
    However, my ticker would disagree. You see, I have almost 8 months and a holiday with the funds under my belt! It's proper weird to me!
     
    Let me say this. If I commit to it, it will happen. That's how I smoked for so many years. Also how I choose not to smoke now. Still, my mum has the holiday trigger, I get it but nope. I think they smoke in more places here then at home but nope!
     
    I knew I would have holiday triggers but am still surprised because my quit feels like home to me already. So I nope again, it's ok to reinforce that but kinda surprising.
     
    8 months on the horizon :) bring it! No price on my freedom!
  24. Still winning
    Ok, so it took an admission through A&E and two ambulance calls, a cist on the kidney and a damaged and over beating heart whilst literally filling up with fluid at 66 years old.... (and breath) ....but she quit.
     
    She will never read this cause "forums aren't her thing, all those do gooders patting each other on the back" apparently?! But still a one week, bootstrap quit. Just cracked on, some whinging but too scared to smoke anymore.
     
    I am still worried but sooo relieved she is at least giving herself a chance to recover a bit here!!
     
    If she can do it, really any one can do it.
     
    On a selfish note, so much nicer not constantly being around smoking. I get it doesn't bother some, it drove me mad!
  25. Still winning

    Got no mates!

    By Still winning,

    Another quitter today has raised the "drop off rates". Wow they are pretty high!! Now there is a person on the board with my time, but only one. This time is a bit strange to be honest. 4 months was lovely, no craves, all peace. 5 months is reminding me, hey you used to smoke...hey you, you smoked you know....hey hey, can you hear me and so it goes. Now of course it's good, it's me. I have traced back and found the triggers and will work on them and my quit is safe.
     
    So where's me mates at?? Well, they keep dropping like flies. Me, I'm still sure no matter what I may think or feel periodically I am absolutely a non smoker! But why, why am I ok and others are not? Was it my weirdo approach? Or guys like Jonny5 who was not everyone's cup of tea but reinforced my quit like a boss. Or my quit buddy who regularly assures me when I go bat shizzle that all is well and I should not be a donut? ....
     
    I think it's me! I think "I got it" fairly early days. It does not solve a damn thing, it never did. I remember there being a point, I was brutally upset about something or other and I thought I would smoke for a fleeting second...closely followed by what's the point, it doesn't help! In THAT moment I accepted I was going to have to relearn how to cope and I grieved for what was but now wasn't.
     
    When my Mum was rushed to hospital, diagnosed with heart failure, on top of copd and she was discharging herself (as we do) and putting it all on me.... I was terrified, my craves went through the roof, for days.. I literally "chose" to hold on and wait to see what happened. I never said but I paced for nights on end, listening that all was well and breathing was happening. It only took my buddy saying got your back and Aine saying, of course you would consider smoking to bring me back down long enough that I could hold on. It absolutely did not diminish the triggers/craves but I knew that my choices for coping were real limited and I had to find another way.
     
    Two days ago was a virgo (my sign), new moon which for me, signifies new beginnings. I asked for strength for a friend here, who is looking for a new career path and strength for me to follow my dreams again and reinforce my lifestyle which is about being healthier and that certainly includes not smoking.
     
    This saturday I formalise my reiki training and I can finally insure to practice properly, let loose on the general public and charge, when I'm ready. Something else I posted that really stuck with me is I did not want to touch another person reeking of stale smoke. How could I put my hands up to another person who may be a non smoker and stink?
     
    Ultimately I want to teach I think. Teach how to plant by moon signs or how to heal via reiki and angels and how to intuit tarot along with the standard lines. I just want to share what I have learnt. It might sound odd to some but to me it's how I have lived knowingly and unknowingly. I cannot unlearn what I know, I will not unlearn my non smoking traits...for me it's all part of the path.
     
    That said, I wish my path would bring some of that beautiful peace back because this bit, well it's a bit tough. I'm up to it of course but it would be nicer to have some easy peasy. But still, if I had that, how would I be any use to the people who suffer with a quit...5 quits inspired by my 1 now. I will prove by sheer strength of will that you can have a tough times in your quit and still succeed :) It might make no sense to anyone else but I will do what I have always done and lead by example.

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QuitTrain®, a quit smoking support community, was created by former smokers who have a deep desire to help people quit smoking and to help keep those quits intact.  This place should be a safe haven to escape the daily grind and focus on protecting our quits.  We don't believe that there is a "one size fits all" approach when it comes to quitting smoking.  Each of us has our own unique set of circumstances which contributes to how we go about quitting and more importantly, how we keep our quits.

 

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