Delaying, Hovering over a Relapse
Entry posted by Kate18 ·
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When I was in the Forum this am, read Chrysalis's entry on relapse.
Today was my first shopping day since I quit on 12/12/18
Traveled 20 miles south and I paid for my dog's boarding at the kennel, got gas for the car, and went grocery shopping.
Normally, when I got gas (Costco), I'd get a hot dog and soda and smoke a cigarette.
When I'd finish grocery shopping, I'd smoke a cigarette.
Then when I got home, I'd take the dog out for a quick walk and then have a cigarette.
Then I'd put away the groceries and have a cigarette.
Grocery day was often cooking day (for lunches during the week, at work), so I'd start soup cooking and have a cigarette.
Today there were no cigarettes, but there were many thoughts of cigarettes.
I missed smoking, oh how I miss smoking.
I am romancing the cigarette. I SEE that it is a romance between some sociopathic tobacco ceo and me, and as long as I turned over my money to him/them, I'd get more drug and feel comforted.
But romance is about FEELing, not seeing. Today I was feeling that quiet seduction.
A sweet romance would involve loving letters penned on lovely paper and signed with passion.
The closest thing to a letter is the empty cigarette packet on which is printed, 
I've seen some of the documentaries about the industry, from how tobacco is grown to how people are seduced into trying a cigarette, then kept addicted.
(Swinging back now, no longer hovering over relapse.)
Do I owe something to smokers who are still trapped? Do I have a responsibility to them to stay quit? Is it possible that one of the young people (all smokers) I used to work with, we'll chance-meet, and maybe s/he'll offer me a cigarette. I'll say, "no thanks, I finally quit." Who knows, maybe it will help that person quit. Or there could be some other event, and because I no longer smoke, it could affect the outcome in a better way than if I were still a smoker?
A lot of ifs. The "IF" I don't want tonight is "If only I hadn't relapsed."
Deep breath, inhale, exhale. I don't know about responsibility to unknown other people, but I do have a responsibility to my children and theirs.
For the rest of today, I will not romance the cigarette. When an emotion arises, I'll switch to a visual mode and see the reality of the cigarette industry.
Whew.
Long craving has fizzled. I'm tired out.
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