All family members who tortured me, at times just by their existence (sorry), are dead and gone. Mostly. The rest I now keep at a distance. You know, it sucks. It does. They have a way of spoiling everything. Some situations can't be controlled. We want to protect our children, but even that is sometimes hard. I know that. But your children are watching you to see how you handle this. And you are watching you, too. Whine, complain, and feel sad you've been dealt some really raw stuff. It sucks, Marti. It really does. It's not fair. But you know that there are many stories you are weaving together, like threads that come together to form the tapestry of your life. Pay attention to all the colors. This week there is a Marti thread...that you want to weave into the tapestry. It's new, and bright, and it's your present...and your future. I think against all the darker colors, it really stands out.    Char

Oh, Marti, you are so brave for expressing all this! I understand completely what you are saying! Adult children, especially daughters, so often feel badly when they just can't love an abusive or aloof mother. But I find it ironic that the abusive or aloof mothers have no such feeling or consideration for their adult children. Why is that, do you think? If sharing some DNA is the basis for a parent/child relationship, shouldn't it work in both directions? And if it doesn't work in both directions (which it so often does not) maybe DNA really has no relationship to love, warmth and caring.

Of course you don't wish your mother ill; you just don't want to live with her any more. Why should that make you a bad person??!! Heck, she doesn't want to live with you anymore, either, right? So fair's fair.

This incident with your mother's health (what was it? a stroke? a diabetic coma?) is NOT a trigger for you to smoke.  You were looking for a trigger at about this date and so you decided to attach a smoking trigger to your mother's hospitalization. But if this date did not have so much significance for your quit, I bet that you would see your mother's hospitalization not as a stressor, but as a relief. At least she will be out of your house for a few days. Hallelujah! 

So stop inappropriately attaching smoking significance to your mother's illness. Wish her well and be glad she is out of your house for a while. Don't feel guilty about your honest emotions and Keep Your (f*ckin) Quit!! You CAN do this! 

C

Oh Marti, the horror of it. See if you can get your sisters to do it.why do you have to do everything. If you can get them to do it. A relief for you from these strong strong feelings. :( .....

this has nothing to do with smoking or nonsmoking. Keep this quit golden, your present, your gift, to you, your triumph, your excellent achievement.

The triggers came and went yesterday, today I feel solid again. It always passes and it's great that I forget it can be so grim, it means I barely remember day to day and I like that.

It was sepsis (infection gets into the bloodstream), basically the shudders were results of that and a ridculous temp. She's much better, being released today.

It is what it is and I guess it's just a reminder that I'm this addict so I don't ever get complacent. Tough times for sure but it helped just to get the words written and out of my head. Thank you for your lovely support.

x

Thanks for the update, Marti. I'm so proud of you that you managed to hold it together and keep your quit during a very upsetting episode. I'm also glad that your mother is going to recover. 

Life is a pisser sometimes, isn't it? But for your sake and especially for your daughters' sakes, quitting smoking is THE most important thing! Good for you!

So very proud of you, Marti...and we are ready for the big party!  (((Marti)))`