Today I will venture out of the house for the first time since I put down the cigs on Sunday evening. There will be people I could bum one from. I don't want to give up my progress. I don't want to experience that shortness of breath, smell bad and be disappointed in myself. I'm seeing my doc today and I want to be able to tell her honestly that I've quit...today will be a first; the first time out of the house alone, with no accountability, without smoking. I can do this. I am a nonsmoker. 

I'm experiencing what I think is withdrawal...not from nicotine, since I have a patch on...but maybe withdrawal from some of the other chemicals in cigs? I just feel a bit worn out and keep feeling like I need to have a biiiiig stretch. Bit of a runny nose. When I was withdrawing from drugs I had the same symptoms. Oh well, whatever it is, I will walk through it and get well again.

Things for me to remember:

My sister and brother in law are overjoyed I quit

I don't have to worry about smelling up their beautiful new home with the smell of cigs

I don't have to feel the embarrassment and self-consciousness when smoking in front of people or when walking out the front door to smoke knowing my sister and brother in law are disappointed in me.

I can already breathe better, which tells me how much I'd impaired my lungs by smoking and vaping

When I go to the doctor I can say I'm a nonsmoker

Remember how good it felt to have doctors congratulate you on quitting and acknowledge how difficulit it must have been?

My children will be proud of me when they find out I quit

After 10-15 years my cancer risk will return to that of someone who'd never smoked

My heart and lungs will be healthy

These are my reasons. I will do this for me but also for them.

During my last significant quit I remember realizing how much better I could smell...smelling flowers from a distance that I could never smell them before, and I kept telling my partner at the time "I am soooo grateful I quit!" "I'm so happy I quit"  "why didnt I do this years ago?"  All it took was some extreme anger, poor coping skills and one bad decision and I was back on nicotine. That was about 5-6 years ago. Time to stop the madness before I get sick...thats my biggest fear is how much damage have I done to my body,  how many years did I shave off my life, am I now doomed to only live another ten years instead of thirty, and will I get a smoking related disease? Yet the fear has yet to be inspirational to quit, its been something to hide from and not think about. That is illogical. Time to face it and be done with nicotine.

I am wearing a patch, when I really don't want to, because I've had literally zero chance without one so far. I am trying very hard to be patient with myself.

Yours in Madness, Fear and Frustration,

Michelle

This is a nasty addiction and its harder to kick than the addiction to other substances I've managed to beat into remission and stay clean from one day at a time.   Nicotine is much harder. I smoked for 36 years and have been vaping for the last 3 years. I love the experience of vaping: everything about it except the embarrassment that I was doing it. When I'm quit, once I entertain the idea of smoking  or vaping (just once! lol) the desire grows and grows and grows even as I remind myself its a terrible idea, of how I've been doing well and of all the reasons NOT to. Then it seems like I can't NOT smoke or vape. I know I can make the choice not to though. I've made it before! I've had two long term quits in my life! So I know I can do it.  I want to coexist in my nonsmoking family as a nonsmoker and be around for years and years to come!

This is a very very familiar pattern to me. Its the same thought pattern and behavior as I had with drugs and alcohol, and the same one I still struggle with, with food.  So it stands to reason if I use the same tools I learned in recovery and apply them to smoking, which is what I did on my last significant quit, that I WILL STAY QUIT. 

I am still open to any suggestions, advice or recommendations. I'm going to spend my evening reading and chatting on the forum, watching Joel Spitzer's videos, brushing my teeth repeatedly, deep breathing and sipping cooooold ice water (helps me more than gum) I also plan to start a blog in the blog section. I also want to encourage others, not only because I want to help others but because it will help me as well. And I need to remember that my sister and brother in law, who are four years older than me, are healthier than me and look much younger than they are. Younger than me maybe even. They have that smooth skin and no vertical lines around their lips, no vertical lines on their neck when its tightened up. IDK if I can reverse the signs of smoking on my face or just stop it in its tracks but the most important thing is my health and longevity anyway.

Thanks again for the tough love guys. My every intention at this moment is to stay and have a permanent quit.